Sonny Bill a chump and a champion
It’s 2018 and so a warm, summer’s welcome to the 2017 Misnomers. We offer up cake and fine wine to any of the winners who wish to accept their highly sought-after prizes.
Some folk out there may think we have taken leave of our senses, but I have only three letters to say to them. BBC.
I mean, did you see their Sports Personality of the Year awards?
Ha. Where were the New Zealanders? Frankly absurd, as one commentator said.
Anthony Joshua and Lewis Hamilton did not even make the top three. Iz it cos maybe they iz black?
Well, no, cos Somali Mo finally won in a year when he did not do the 5,000 and 10,000 double at the Olympics. Go figure.
Second and third spot were taken by some bloke promoting road safety on a motorbike and a para athlete who did a mean soft shoe shuffle on Strictly Come
Dancing. What a shambles, as one Euro tour golfer said.
And so in the spirit of sunshine and shambles, we pull back the curtain on the pulchritudinous, preposterous and prestigious Misnomers.
Sportswoman of the Year
By announcing the sportswoman of the year first we are pretending to raise our fist up through the glass ceiling.
Viva equality and mind the falling glass.
Just don’t tell anyone we would rather mow the lawn naked in an ice storm than watch New Zealand netball.
But 2017’s cake and fine wine go to Sarah Goss, or Gossy as we like to call her in the grand and humorous tradition of Kiwi nicknames.
Gossy is a beautiful athlete who has attitude, pace and skill.
Sir Richie would approve. So go Gossy, a gobful of gateau awaits.
The agile one captained the sevens team to victory, winning four out of the five titles, and was a key player in New Zealand’s World Cup success as well as letting us have a good whinge about refs.
Gossy grew up on a shearing gang, ‘‘getting up at 5.30am, shearing for 8-10 hours and then pretty much going to bed.
‘‘You got used to not just fitness, but work ethic. The more you worked, the more money you got, so it drove you to work harder and keep going,’’ she said.
And as the Gossamer Girl walks into the golden Mahana sunset a tear comes to the eye of the family of the late Sir Colin Meads.
Sportsman of the Year Frickenawesome.
That was the view of Her Majesty Valerie Adams and who could disagree.
Tom Walsh overcame a groin injury and two beer-battered American truck drivers to win the gold medal at the World Championships.
He was the first male New Zealander to stand on the rostrum, let alone win. It was the first competition in history in which seven men threw over 21 metres and Walsh’s winning throw has only been bettered at these champs twice in history (and one of those super dodgy).
Walsh also topped qualifying and said, ‘‘I’m going to give it my best shot,’’ ha, ha. Tom Part-time-builder Walsh, which is now his official full name by deed poll, also said, ‘‘I’m going to win it, no doubt.’’
And win he did, although of course the Americans launched a complaint and a couple of surface-to-air missiles. Walsh said in response that all he wanted was ‘‘a few pints and a burger or steak ... as I’m feeling pretty bit toey for a feed’’.
Sorry, we’ve only got cake and fine wine, but if you’re still toey for a feed… Team of the Year
Is it a bird, is it a plane, no, it’s Aotearoa, cyclors, daggerboards and all the rest of the gismos on Team New Zealand.
You loved the moment when Aotearoa hooked under the Yanks and the look on Jimmy Spitball’s face said: ‘‘Why on God’s earth can’t my boat do that?’’
Oh the genius, the genius. We do not tire of Ian Taylor’s quote: ‘‘This is not a story about a boat race. This is a story of world-class, world-leading technology, innovation, engineering and design.’’
So to all you lads and lasses reading engineering, computer sciences or the like at uni; the future of Aotearoa could be yours.
Captain of the Year
It’s Captain Fantastic, the man from the log cabin deep in the woods, otherwise known as Sam Whitelock.
The Crusaders did not lose a single Super Rugby match when Sam was in charge and he also captained the All Blacks to victory over Wales.
The only match he lost was against the Lions after which Whitelock spoke with a humility that some of New Zealand’s coaches could learn from
Coach of the Year
Yes, I know New Zealand Rugby gave it to Glenn Moore, coach of the Black Ferns, but his team lost the Four Nations series at home to England earlier in the year.
Has that been airbrushed out of history?
And in reality the Black Ferns only had to beat one team to win the World Cup. So the Misnomer goes to Razor Robertson on a good night for the Crusaders.
He led an unfancied team with a largely raw backline to a title won on the road in South Africa.
Chump of the Year
Yes, it’s Money Bill Wallyams for that appalling tackle which cost the All Blacks the series against the Lions and for that brain freeze when he flapped the ball over the dead ball line against Australia..
Champ of the Year
Yes, it’s Sonny Bill Williams.
The bloke who gave his World Cup winner’s medal to a kid a couple of years ago came back from an appalling Achilles injury with extraordinary dedication and courage.
He was instrumental in the Blues beating the Lions and he stood by his religious principles in covering up the logo of a bank. As Israel Folau said: ‘‘He is a bit of an inspiration.’’