Migrant tells her story of leaving behind abuse
After standing by her abusive husband, a migrant woman has made a new life for herself and broken free from violence.
Married to her abuser for six years, Reshma DSouza decided to leave him in the weeks after he was granted a discharge without conviction for a violent physical attack.
‘‘Why should I be in this relationship. It might be all right for five years but what if after five years he starts again and the cycle continues,’’ she said.
‘‘I was like ‘what am I doing, why can’t I come out of this.’ I just thought I should step out now. It’s to the point where I have to step out now, at least for my daughter.’’
The final act of physical abuse took place after Wilfred DSouza had spent the day out fishing and drinking with friends.
After arriving home Wilfred found his wife had locked herself in a bedroom.
He then broke the lock on the door and threatened to hurt himself.
After Reshma called him a ‘‘zero’’ he became enraged at the verbal slight and hit her with an open hand.
He then picked up an electrical cord and struck her multiple times, leaving serious welts and bruising on Reshma’s legs.
Later in court, he pleaded guilty to assault with a blunt instrument but was granted a discharge without conviction.
Still later, the police sought to appeal Wilfred’s discharge without conviction but a High Court judge refused to grant leave for this to happen.
However, waiting for the case to be finalised proved to be a turning point for Reshma.
It was during that time of limbo that she started to think about her life and her marriage.
It was the time she decided to leave.
Since making that break, Reshma has been open about sharing her experiences of domestic violence and while the majority had been supportive, she received a ‘‘mixed reaction’’ from some.
A few told her to give her husband a chance or that she needed to consider what a divorce might do to the couple’s young daughter.
Others took a more ‘‘disturbing’’ tone, she said.
People told her to keep quiet or that maybe she shouldn’t have talked back when he got angry.
The DSouzas married in India and moved to New Zealand three years ago.
Growing up, Reshma never envisaged being in a violent relationship.
As a young girl growing up in India, she bore the brunt of discrimination but always stood up for herself, the now 33-year-old said.
‘‘I was a very outgoing person.’’
Divorce is still frowned upon in Indian culture, where Reshma said there was a prevailing belief that ‘‘whatever happens between husband and wife should stay between them and a third party should never be involved.’’
What people might think or say about her was the biggest factor she worried about when she decided to leave.
But now when people ask, Reshma had no qualms about telling the truth.
‘‘I just say I’ve left him and I’m proud to say it.’’
She said she was motivated to go public because so many people still don’t talk openly about domestic violence.
It was also the impetus behind her blog where she writes about life after her abusive relationship and being a single parent.
‘‘This is really my after-story. I’m not a victim anymore.’’
While she is aware there are people who believed her former husband should have been convicted for what he did, she has another take on the outcome.
By avoiding conviction, it did not hamper Wilfred’s ability to get a job or travel and he now lives and works overseas.
It helped her get free.