A song to the bong: my take on James K Baxter
With an expensive and unpopular name change at Vic, and Don Brash being banned from Massey, our universities are becoming laughing stocks.
And now Otago University, with a proctor who removed bongs from a student flat, has joined the throng. The actions of proctor Dave Scott continue a proud tradition of out-of-touch officials at Otago University. In 1967, Otago’s vice-chancellor banned mixed flatting among students, causing quite a stir.
Luckily, poet James K Baxter, who was the university’s Robert Burns fellow that year, lampooned the ridiculous vice-chancellorial edict with his brilliant A Small Ode on Mixed Flatting.
(In those days, poets were allowed to be topical and funny.)
What a pity Baxter isn’t around today, and you have to make do with me. A Small Ode on Bong Disposal (with apologies to James K Baxter) In Dunedin city the flats are old
And during winter the rooms are cold The days are short; the nights are long So thank goodness for the student bong Forget a tab or coke or pills
In Dunedin it’s the bong that rules
The water pipe is where it’s at
In almost every student flat
Once dreary essays have been wrote Otago students enjoy a toke.
‘‘A little bong in moderation
Does not harm my education
Too much beer can make me barfy
I’ll be one hungover scarfie
What better way when I’m uptight Than relaxing with a water pipe? (Though I must beware the cost of munchies When buying more than 20 Crunchies Instead of nutritious, healthy lunchies).’’ But not all in Dunedin love the bong University authorities think it wrong
To sit and get right off one’s arse When there’s Politics 101 to pass
Thank God for David Scott the proc A responsible man and former cop
Who believed that bonging had to stop ‘‘Too many students are smoking dope They’ll fail their course and have no hope They’ll never fully learn to cope
In the real world of 9 to 5
In which we must work if we’re to survive And fill the hungry mouths that need feeding’’ Said the proctor in Dunedin
‘‘How can you attend your class
If you’re off your face from smoking grass?’’ Student accountants, lawyers and doctors Didn’t reckon on prying proctors
As David Scott went off half-cocked
Some scarfies left their flat unlocked
Into the empty flat he crept
While upstairs a wasted student slept
Off a scarfie Bacchanalia
When proctor spied drug paraphernalia He’d seen the bongs from outside the flat And quickly decided he had to act Though burgling made the proctor nervous He was doing those spliffing scarfies a service He’d have to confiscate those bongs
Or else the police with long batons Might make those scarfies’ poor life hell And throw them in a cold police cell
The cops would treat them worse than proctor They might even use a helicopter.
When the students found their bongs not there They well and truly did despair
‘‘Some bastard’s gone and stolen our stash Our finest Coromandel hash
When we find the dude who nicked our blunts We’ll kill the nasty thieving persons.’’ Before the scarfies called the police Proctor called and said his piece
‘‘I took the bongs for your own good
You lads should give up smoking Buddh You’ll be arrested by cops down here
And say goodbye to your career’’ In Proctorworld no-one smokes dak
They exercise; eat healthy snacks Students don’t bong till they’re off their scone But sing Bible songs in the Proctogon
But New Zealand law is very plain
The scarfies’ rights the proctor disdained These kids that you are meant to be mentoring Are victims of your breaking and entering. Sadly we live in the real world
Where scarfies toke and chunder and hurl But if a student passes their degree
Who cares about sobriety?
Let them learn life’s lessons alone
Not from a patronising ex-cop drone Dunedin scarfies deserved your apology For your invasive act of proctorcology.
The water pipe is where it’s at In almost every student flat Once dreary essays have been wrote Otago students enjoy a toke