‘I don’t want any fuss’
Gone are the days of the ‘‘traditional’’ funeral, with mourners draped in black clothes, attending drawn-out, religious ceremonies. Greer Berry talks with those in the industry of death.
‘Idon’t want any fuss.’’ It is a common request, albeit a very Kiwi one, from some when talking about arrangements for after their death.
Often it comes from a place of not wanting to put others out, not wanting to be an inconvenience, and sometimes not wanting others to bear any physical cost.
But could that seemingly simple request actually have a much bigger cost down the line?
Gary Taylor, president of the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand, thinks so.
When talking about trends in the funeral business, Taylor says the industry is in a stage of disruption.
How people want to commemorate their loved ones’ lives has developed alongside changes in technology and religious beliefs, but has also resulted in the rise of the unattended funeral.
Taylor thinks these types of farewells, where the deceased’s final moments are often only witnessed by the funeral director themselves, now account for about 20 per cent of all funerals in New Zealand.
That is one in five of us leaving this world without any type of service.
Sometimes, say those in the know, it is to do with money but not always.
‘‘A lot of that is about not being able to deal with it,’’ Taylor says.
Sometimes funeral directors even have trouble getting next-ofkin to pick up the ash remains.
‘‘They cannot get their heads around what they are going to do; all the while Dad is sitting there in the funeral home.’’
Taylor says that even by honouring the departed’s wishes for no funeral, those left behind often have to deal with unexpected emotions about the lack of acknowledgement.
‘‘Funerals are entirely for the
‘‘From a mental health point of view, [funerals are] very positive. They allow us to come to terms with what has happened. Grief is a natural biological reaction … and it can be externalised through a meaningful farewell.’’ Gary Taylor President of the Funeral Directors Association of New Zealand
living. They are very much a part of life. They are the one thing we are not going to escape. As such, I always recommend people do something. That might be a service at home, at the beach. It may be a big Catholic funeral in a cathedral.’’
There is, says the industry veteran of more than 35 years, a cost to doing nothing.
He predicts that in 20 to 30 years, we will have rafts of people who have not dealt with death well, because they have not had those meaningful farewells.
Anthony Beauchamp, manager and funeral director at Beauchamp Funeral Home in Palmerston North, agrees with the trend observed by Taylor.
‘‘I don’t know whether it is Kiwi
culture or what,’’ he says.
‘‘The perception is that funerals are expensive, and they can be, but they don’t have to be. Anecdotally, they say Mum didn’t want anything, they just wanted to be put in a cardboard box. But often they are respecting wishes without thinking about their own needs ... We definitely try to tell people to do something, a gathering. It is important to tell stories about someone that we love.’’
The point is that doing something is important.
In that oh-so-Kiwi way, Beauchamp says he has heard of people taking their loved one’s ashes to the pub for a drink, or a coffin propped up on a deck, centre stage at a barbecue send-off.
Taylor says research has shown about 70 per cent of people sitting at a funeral service are thinking about their own lives, what they want to achieve, their purpose, their bucket lists.
‘‘From a mental health point of view, [funerals are] very positive.
‘‘They allow us to come to terms with what has happened. Grief is a natural biological reaction … and it can be externalised through a meaningful farewell.’’
And more is being done to ensure funeral services are more inclusive, even if you are stuck in a flat in London or an apartment in China.
Taylor says all sorts of technology is being employed now to allow mourners who can’t be physically present to still feel like they are a part of the farewell.
Many funeral homes offer livestreaming of their services through specially-installed webcams.
‘‘If you want to keep up or keep ahead of the trend, you need to have fibre. You need to have the ability to project information, to live-stream information, create a reflection piece and make it all appear seamless,’’ Taylor says.
He admits, it is a lot to ask of a workforce in which the demographics play against technical knowledge.
‘‘But that is where our customers are leading us.’’
Research by Seniors New Zealand shows more than 40 per cent of those surveyed thought more technology should be made available to include those who can’t physically attend.
Taylor says the national diploma in funeral directing is being revamped, hopefully to reflect the changing knowledge required for modern-day funerals.
Other changes noticed by those in the industry have revolved around the ceremony itself.
Rather than scripted funeral services, friends and families are allowing for a much more personalised service, with fewer religious aspects.
‘‘They have gone from being templated, to much more personalised. They still follow a template but there is a lot more about the person and that person’s life,’’ says Beauchamp.
‘‘Even the religious funerals.’’ People are now often opting to have the services run by people they know and are having more of a say about what is included.
Some of the best healing for families often comes when crafting these personalised stories, Beauchamp says.
The simple process of going through all the photos of their loved one, spreading them out on the lounge floor and reminiscing, sharing stories, that was what provided the colour of the ceremony.
‘‘I think almost every family should do something like that,’’ Beauchamp says.
Both he and Taylor say they have also noticed the decline in mourners wearing black clothing.
‘‘People wore black because it showed everyone else that we had had a death and we needed comfort,’’ Taylor says.
‘‘We don’t tend to do that any more. It is another one of those symbols that we have got rid of.’’
He says in some ways it could be seen as another sense of denial, and it is important that some elements remained to gain the support needed in coping with grief.
‘‘We have done away with [it] because we couldn’t see any benefit in it. But we still need that acknowledgement.
‘‘You still need to be able to express your emotions.
‘‘Grief is going to get you whether you want it to or not.’’