Happiness in your 40s and 50s
Happiness won’t just land in your lap, it’s a choice made daily. Stephanie Ockhuysen speaks to people aged eight to 94 who make that choice.
Happiness has not come easy to 56-year-old Virginia Winder, so it’s no longer something she seeks.
To seek happiness would be to seek something unattainable, the New Plymouth woman says.
‘‘The idea of always being happy is b ****** t.’’
Most of us struggle to describe exactly what happiness is and have little idea how to get there.
This might help explain why New Zealand is in the grip of a mental health crisis where so many of us not only find happiness indescribable, but ultimately deem it unattainable.
What comes through from people in their 40s and 50s is that happiness won’t just land in your lap, it’s a choice.
Instead of happiness, Winder seeks purpose, kindness, and moments of joy.
In the hope of saving a life, at the end of 2018 she shared her story of being diagnosed as bipolar, her struggle with depression and her attempt at suicide. She is honest about the darkness, saying without it she wouldn’t know the light.
This year she decided she would swim in the ocean every day, no matter the conditions.
In 2009, when her son made the same resolution and she agreed to join, she didn’t get any depression.
In order to find peace and some form of happiness, whatever that may be, people need purpose, she explains.
‘‘Kids are being set up to fail. They need to discover their purpose and from their purpose comes happiness.’’
Wellbeing advocate and artist Paul Rangiwahia says we should be searching for contentment and inner peace. ‘‘I often hear people say I’ll be happy when I get that new job or I’ll be happy when I get that new house but the problem is they get to that point but then there’s a bigger house. People think it’s a destination but it’s the journey.’’
Rangiwahia came up with the Mental WOF – a warrant of fitness for mental health.
In his darkest hour he found himself writing down messages which eventually manifested into a print now sold around the world.
It includes 45 things to keep your mental health in check, such as not judging or comparing yourself, having quiet time, knowing that asking for help is a good thing, smiling often, crying when necessary, and under promising and over delivering.
‘‘I don’t believe we’re a proactive nation. We don’t value mental health and wellness. It’s embedded in our culture to sweep things under the rug.
‘‘It’s just like a sprained ankle; sometimes we hurt our head and we should treat it exactly the same.’’
For Mark Armstrong, 42, happiness is something shared and arriving at his New Plymouth home, he’s all about sharing. You’ll be met with a giant smile and hug, be fed kai, have a beer put in your hand, and receive sympathy for the Cricket World Cup loss.
Armstrong believes you can’t be happy in isolation and a report by the Health Promotion Agency in 2016 proved him right.
The report found building a more connected society prevented a substantial proportion of mental distress. Armstrong’s happiness is contagious but as he gets older it takes more effort to keep a positive frame of mind.
‘‘You have lived enough life to work out what things p..s you off and what things make you happy.’’
But happiness is not a one-sizefits-all like the idea sold to us, Armstrong, teacher and frontman of Taranaki band The Slacks, says. He believes we should be pursuing what makes us happy rather than the image of happiness.
‘‘It’s ironic that trying to be happy can make us depressed.’’
Kaimata School principal
Richard Anderson says you create your own happiness. Anderson has been very successful in his creation because there is no-one happier than him – according to himself.
It’s hard to argue with when calling the school and being greeted by Anderson beaming, ‘‘I hope you’re having a wonderful day because we certainly are in this great place.’’
It’s got to the point where at the supermarket the checkout operator won’t even ask him how he is because they know he’s good.
The 56-year-old has faced challenges in his life, such as the deaths of loved ones and breakups, but when faced with heartache he chooses to remain positive. ‘‘You can sit there and be woe-is-me or you can think what am I going to do about it?’’
Anderson, who has been a school principal for 26 years, says if you don’t happen to life, it will happen to you.
‘‘A whole lot of stuff can come at you but the one thing you can control is your attitude towards it.’’