Loving each day as if it’s your last
Happiness won’t just land in your lap, it is a choice made daily. Stephanie Ockhuysen speaks to people aged from 8 to 94 who make that choice.
Brian Richards always chooses humour and happiness over sitting and wallowing, and prefers to show people where his happiness comes from rather than tell them.
Sitting in a chair at Tainui Village Rest Home, draped in a blanket, sits his beloved wife of
63 years, Coral.
Coral has had Alzheimer’s for
20 years and the majority of the time does not remember who Richards is.
‘‘If she has a good day, and she eats well, well that makes me happy,’’ he says.
The Richards are living out the reality of possibly the most romantic movie ever, The Notebook.
The film tells the story of a couple who have grown old together but the wife has dementia. The husband promises to take care of her and to re-read their journals to her to help recall her past.
Coral has been in the rest home for 13 years and Richards moved into a villa on site so he can see her daily and be close to her.
Every morning Coral asks for her husband but when Brian arrives he says she just sees an old man.
‘‘I often say to her, ‘were you ever married?’ and she says, ‘oh yes’, and I say, ‘well where has he gone?’, and she says, ‘I don’t know’, and I will ask, ‘was he as good as me?’, and she says, ‘he was 10,000 times better than you’.
‘‘Another time I asked, ‘do you love me?’ and she said, ‘I’ve loved you all my life.’ That is the sort of thing that picks you up.’’
When people ask how he does it, Richards tells them it is what he signed up for 63 years ago.
It has not always been easy, the first four years were hell, he says.
But he now takes happiness from his adversity and rather than focusing on the negative, concentrates on the positive moments.
Like how he was never allowed in the kitchen when Coral lived at home but all he ever wanted to do was bake a scone.
At 73, he finally baked his first scone and hasn’t stopped baking since.
Finding the funny side of things has got him through life.
‘‘Make a joke of yourself, if you can’t take a joke of yourself you are in trouble.’’
Being in a good relationship, like the Richards, has a powerful impact on your survival and your happiness, medical academic and ageing expert Dr Doug Wilson says.
Studies show the happiest times of life are late teens and early 20s and then over 65 but this depends on certain factors, Wilson says.
Marital status, financial situation, isolation, health, purpose in life, and genetics all play a part in your level of happiness.
Living alone or in isolation is as detrimental to your health and happiness as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, a 2015 study showed.
Michelle Kitney, director of communications and sector development for Volunteering NZ, says volunteering can reduce social isolation and make you happier.
‘‘They have ‘the helper’s high’ and positive outcomes in terms of mental health.’’
Your wealth, or lack thereof, also plays a large part in not just your happiness but how long you live, Wilson says.
There is evidence that life expectancy between the financially privileged and those living in poverty can differ by
30 years.
‘‘Once you get to retirement those that have owned their own home and have no mortgage are financially comfortable and have time to do the things they want.
‘‘But life expectancy has increased so much in the past
50 years that people have an extra 20 or 30 years to fill and if you don’t have enough money, it is a killer.’’
At 94, Jan Aitken has exceeded the average life expectancy by 13 years.
She has lived a lot of life and has a lot of wisdom to share but if she had to tell you exactly what happiness is, she couldn’t.
‘‘It is indescribable really,’’ she says from a comfy chair in the sun at Radius Thornleigh Park Rest Home in New Plymouth.
‘‘You have got to be in control of your own happiness, too many people are reliant on other people to make them happy.’’
Aitken, who was a school teacher all her life, believes the world needs more consideration of others to be a happier place.
As she lives into her 10th decade on earth, her happiness comes from good health.
She says it is the most important thing in life and we have got to look after it.
Aitken’s happiness has been relatively constant and undisturbed in her lifetime. She puts this down to having never experienced any major tragedy.
However, she realises not everyone is so fortunate.
‘‘Sometimes life deals you a rotten blow and you have got to be fairly strong to say, ‘Go away I don’t want that.’’’