What happy people taught me

At 14, while Blu Tacking another Justin Timberlake poster to my bedroom wall, I turned to my friend sitting on the bed and said, ‘‘I think I’m depressed’’. ‘‘I think you are too,’’ she replied. Neither of us really understood the full extent of the word, or knew what to do about it, but all I knew is I struggled to be happy.

I envied happy people. How did they do it? Did they not lie in bed crying most nights like I did?

The days passed me by in small-town New Zealand as I daydreamed about the day I would be happy.

But what I learnt from spending two weeks speaking with happy people aged eight to 94 is that happiness is a choice: you create it and have to work for it. My mind was blown. What a revelation. Person after person told me that they chose to have a positive mindset, or they chose to have happiness in their life. It didn’t just land in their lap.

I spent so much of my late teens and early 20s searching for happiness through other people.

Thinking I had to be like them in order to be accepted and happy, I would compare and belittle myself when I didn’t match up.

As a child the saying ‘just be yourself’ always seemed strange to me, because biologically how could you ever be anyone else?

But as I reached my teens, being myself seemed like the worst possible idea. I’d try to imitate friends’ outfits thinking that’s how I had to look but, of course, it suited their body shape, not mine. I daydreamed constantly about a life that wasn’t mine.

But little did I know that discovering who I was and becoming comfortable with that person would be the most powerful tool I could have in finding happiness.

Being myself and understanding who that was made happiness come easier. Because then I was seeking things meant for me, rather than for other people. I created a life for myself filled with the things I needed for happiness but it took a long time to get there.

What I also learnt from speaking with happy people was that depression is different to unhappiness, and you need help.

At one point I sought out anti-depressants – first for depression, later for anxiety.

However, after a couple of years, and in discussion with my doctor, I chose to no longer take them.

My doctor said for me they should only be a short-term solution and I should look for ways to manage my mental health. And I have.

For example I know my anxiety spikes after a night of drinking but I’m still learning to manage that one.

But vital to my happiness is quality time with my husband and dog, being in nature, a safe space to come home to, a meaningful job, quality friendships, and, of course, coffee.

This list will be different for everyone and it’s important each person learns what they need on their list.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve taken to asking colleagues on the spot what are three things that make them happy. Most struggle to answer and have never thought about it.

I wouldn’t say I am a happy person now, you definitely won’t see me beaming from ear to ear, singing as I walk down the street.

But I can now confidently say I live a happy life. But it did not happen overnight and I consciously created it through trial and error.

When I was younger mental health wasn’t really talked about in schools so I didn’t have the resources to know what to do.

I was lucky because my pain didn’t result in something irreversible but for others, my heart breaks.

It’s so important that mental health is talked about now, and we know it’s okay to not be okay.

But also we need to be self-aware and know what we need to look after ourselves.

Each of the people I spoke to taught me something about happiness.

Violet taught me to eat more strawberries. Jaylee taught me to always be there for friends and family.

Mela taught me to start every day with a positive mindset.

Sophie taught me to dance like no-one is watching.

Erica taught me to ignore the haters.

Mark taught me to share and be welcoming. Virginia taught me life is about moments and joy.

Richard taught me to challenge myself to change one thing in order to make my life better. Denis taught me to set goals.

Gloria taught me to sing out loud if that’s what my heart wishes.

Brian taught me love conquers all.

Jan, at 94, with quick wit and her memory intact, is my idol.

The cliche-quotemaking-gods once said ‘happiness is infectious’. And after spending time with these people, I can safely say that is true.

I can’t say I found out exactly what happiness is, because it is many things and different for each person. This may sound simple, but it’s something we forget. Especially because an idea of one-sizefits-all is sold to us.

We need to find out what happiness is to us, rather than just waiting for this idea of happiness to appear in our lives.

I spent so much of my late teens and early 20s searching for happiness through other people.