Love The power of

Short and sweet or long and lingering? Karen Nimmo looks at the phenomenon of ‘love at first sight’.

You and that mysterious stranger lock eyes across a crowded room. Your heart beats faster and time stands still. You meet, you talk, you feel an instant connection – physically, mentally and emotionally. And you allow yourself to think that this could be ‘‘the one’’.

Is it love at first sight? Is it possible to fall for someone you barely know? We have all heard stories of love at first sight. And even if we don’t know the characters personally, we have read the books, and we have seen the movies and syrupy romcoms.

But do you really believe it? And,more importantly,can that spark between two people fan into a flame that goes the distance?

Love or lust?

Love at first sight comes down to a feeling in your gut that you are meant to know this person. There is something about their looks, their presence, their smell, the way they speak and behave, that draws you in.

The catch is that your feelings are based on first impressions, which are heavily biased towards a person’s physical appearance.

And that can be a trap. Because people can – and frequently do – turn out to be radically different from the way they present.

No prizes for knowing that falling for someone without knowing them is a high-risk game.

Still, that feeling of instant attraction is awfully seductive. It is exhilarating, fuelled by a rush of sex hormones (also known as lust) that leave you feeling giddy, almost high.

It is a feeling you want to chase, and that can lead you to overlook red flags or override sensible decision-making.

Many people – some studies suggest as many as 50% of adults – believe in love at first sight. A large number also say they have had such an experience. They will describe it as:

■ a feeling of ‘‘coming home’’;

■ it was like there was was no-one else in the room;

■ an intense physical and mental chemistry;

■ a magnetic sexual attraction;

■ a connectedness they have never felt before;

■ I suddenly understood what soulmate meant.

But can it last?

As a psychologist, my view of love at first sight has been coloured by myriad stories of relationship heartbreak.

I have heard heart-warming tales of 14-year-olds who caught each other’s eye across a crowded maths class who are happily together 40 years later. But I have also sat in the therapy room with ‘‘soulmates’’ who have wound up in sad and bitter conflict.

And I have worked with many people who fell in love quickly, only to discover their partners had toxic, manipulative agendas, from which it took them years to recover.

What I do know for sure is that the start of a relationship is not a reliable indicator of where it is going to land.

And that rushing full tilt into a relationship with someone you don’t know well because it ‘‘feels good’’ is mostly not a good idea.

People change, life happens, trauma can strike from left field, stress mounts up, and a multiple of other factors combine to erode good will and intentions, testing even the best relationships, sometimes to their core.

Relationships that you thought were built on solid foundations can crack and falter.

Those that got off to a rocky start can settle into something comforting and satisfying. There are no rules.

But if – beyond the lust – you want to increase the odds of a happy, lasting attachment, here are some things to think about.

Does this person have a good track record (as a person)?

Are they generally seen as a decent, considerate person.

Do they treat me well consistently?

The key word is consistently. Everyone can show their best side in short bursts.

Do they treat others well?

Especially others who can’t get them a promotion, broaden their network or enhance their prospects?

Do they give at least as much as they take? Relationships shouldn’t be about scoring points. An even power balance, a fair approach to how much you do and give to the relationship, promotes harmony.

Still, that feeling of instant attraction is awfully seductive. It is exhilarating, fuelled by a rush of sex hormones (also known as lust) that leave you feeling giddy, almost high.

Do we share values/world view?

All your views and opinions don’t have to be perfectly matched. That might be boring, or too much to ask. But general agreement on the big issues – politics, religion, culture, sex, parenting, money, and don’t forget vaccinations – can spare you a lot of trouble.

Can I relax and be fully myself with them?

Take note if you find yourself frequently walking on eggshells as you negotiate your partner’s mood. A good relationship should allow and encourage you to be who you are, and to enjoy your own friends and activities too.

Finally, it is helpful to remember that as well as looking for those qualities in a partner, you should strive to live them.

That way, no matter what happens in your relationships, you will always be in good company.