Beautiful things happen when parents temper expectations
Caitlin Hocken
As we get back into the swing of a new school year, we may have some expectations for what the year will bring. So what do you expect?
We often ask ourselves or others this question in response to disappointment.
As a parent, former kindy teacher and now parent educator and coach, I’ve learnt that having no expectations will make your life much easier and give your children a greater chance to succeed.
Storyteller and University of Houston research professor Brené Brown said it best: “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”
I couldn’t agree more. Expectations hinge on future events and often are not based on reality.
Have you ever had the best night out because you had no expectations? Compare that with looking forward to something for ages, imagining how incredible it would be, and then ... meh.
Our expectations of others usually don’t take into account that person’s experience at any given moment, and they don’t consider events outside of our control.
Expectations are generally about us and what we want, not the other person, and they are often unspoken.
You may think that if you have no expectations, you’re permitting your kids to do whatever they like.
But you’re not. Dropping expectations for behaviour does not mean dropping discipline, which in my book is all about teaching and guiding.
We are helping our kids to learn the values and skills they’ll need to function as contributing members of society.
This takes time and repetition – and lots and lots of mistakes.
I have never met a child who doesn’t want to do well by the adults they love, and there is a reason when they don’t.
We can always afford to have generous assumptions about a child’s behaviour. The discipline required depends on finding out what that reason is.
Is there a skill missing? Is there an underlying negative belief about themselves at play? Is there something physiological going on, or is their nervous system in dysregulation?
And what about achievement? If we don’t have high expectations, it is natural to wonder how they will rise to the occasion and reach their full potential.
There’s a difference between high expectations and belief in someone’s potential.
Think about the times in your life when someone has believed in you and supported you to grow your capabilities. Then think about when someone has expected something of you that you weren’t aware of and failed to live up to.
Let’s look at what having no expectations for our kids look like.
It looks like being curious about what just happened, having conversations where you’re honest about your thoughts, feelings, preferences and needs, and empathising with theirs.
It means making agreements in advance and reflecting on the things that don’t go well.
For example, I might say to my children: “I expect you to be on your best behaviour while we’re at the museum.”
In fact, I have done this. On this particular occasion, the unfolding behaviour was far from “best”. As I recall, there was a moment of my younger son, then aged 2, being dragged along the floor with a fistful of his jumper in the hands of my older son, who was 6 at the time.
And how did I react? With anger, blame, and resentment. Mainly because I was embarrassed and afraid of being judged. After all, I had just started advertising my services as a parent coach.
What was missing was any curiosity, support, teaching or guidance – all the things I teach my clients. What does “best behaviour” even mean? They were having a great time!
Another approach, and the one I’m getting better at, would be to say: “Let’s agree about what we’d like to happen while we’re at the museum.”
Then we could discuss what we would both like and bring up concepts such as respect for things and others (a spot of values teaching).
And if the dragging thing still happened, I could get curious. I might find out they were bored and wanting to play. No problem. Let’s head to the park instead and chat about what happened on the way and what we could agree on for next time.
Dropping expectations can be challenging, but it can also be liberating.
It allows us to be present in the moment and connect with our children more meaningfully.
When we drop our expectations, we give our kids the space to be themselves and show us who they are. And that’s a beautiful thing.