Flooded with goodwill for the council’s priorities
DAVE ARMSTRONG
Like many Wellingtonians, I enjoyed a particularly pleasant Christmas Day. However, Boxing Day was another matter. The skies looked ominous early in the morning.
Then the heavens opened. As more rain fell in one hour than had fallen in the past 48 days, our street turned into an ankle-deep torrent.
As happened at exactly the same time last year, both drains in the street blocked almost immediately.
A concerned resident, with water lapping near his front door, came out with a pole to try and unblock one of the drains, but he didn’t have much luck.
‘‘Don’t worry,’’ I told him, ‘‘according to Wellington City Council, when the convention centre is finally finished, Wellington will really move forward economically and our problems will be over.’’
He gazed at me, then the pole in his hand, considering its uses.
Another neighbour soon turned up, happy to help but worried about the rising water levels that our Boxing Day mini-tsunami had created on his side of the street.
In the worst parts, the water was just below knee level. His kids had wanted to boogie-board down the road, such was the torrent, but he quite rightly forbade it.
‘‘Trouble is,’’ he explained, ‘‘a whole lot of drains further up the hill are blocked, so the problem just gets worse and worse the further down you go.’’
‘‘Don’t worry,’’ I said, ‘‘when we have four lanes from Ngauranga Gorge to the airport things won’t seem so bad.’’
He gave me a strange look as he repeatedly tried to unblock the drain with his stick. But it made no difference, as the blockage was deep underground.
‘‘What in the hell are we going to do?’’ asked another neighbour as the rain pelted down and turned our section of the street into a small lake.
‘‘I think we need to send a film industry delegation to China,’’ I replied, ‘‘it’s now the world’s biggest box office and Wellington could greatly benefit from its expansion.’’
Suddenly a whole posse of neighbours were holding some
He gazed at me, then the pole in his hand, considering its many uses.
sort of stick, shovel or pole, and staring at me.
As the rain pelted down and lapped at a few front doors, a resident worried that the inhabitants of the most vulnerable house were overseas on holiday. They wouldn’t be here to protect their property if the water rose even further.
I piped up again. ‘‘I greatly sympathise. Until we extend the airport runway, it will be extremely difficult for Wellingtonians overseas to quickly get back home from Wuhan or Sacramento on a direct, long-haul flight to look after their flood-ravaged homes.’’
Luckily, the drain on the other side of the street was only blocked by leaves, so was back to normal as soon as this foliage were cleared.
But the other drain remained stubbornly blocked, as it has been for every summer deluge in the decade I have lived in my street.
‘‘The contractors always blame the leaves,’’ said a neighbour, also a long-time resident, ‘‘but the problem is our entire storm-water infrastructure. It’s old and totally stuffed. They need to replace the whole thing.’’
‘‘Absolutely,’’ agreed another neighbour, ‘‘but what politician is going to put money into something as unglamorous as drains? They reckon there are no votes in it.’’
I smiled smugly. ‘‘I used to think the same thing, but when there are essential things to do like building indoor stadiums and entertaining business mates on credit cards, then modern, efficient drains are what Bill English used to call a ‘nice to have’.’’
The neighbour glowered at me. ‘‘Indoor stadiums? Isn’t it more important that our bloody drains work?’’
I shook my head. ‘‘I’d much rather have Ed Sheeran play in Wellington once every three years than have drains that work properly every time there’s a bit of rain.’’
At that moment, all my neighbours looked at each other. When one gave the signal, they grabbed me, tied me up, gagged me, and rammed me down into the stormwater drain.
Given how archaic and blocked our stormwater system is, I expect I’ll surface in Owhiro Bay – along with some raw sewage from nearby households – the next time it rains heavily, possibly sometime this week.