Poor Mike, it’s hard work being essentially pointless

The lockdown grinds on and every day our doctors and nurses, pharmacy and supermarket staff and other essential workers are putting in the hard yards for us all. But another sector is equally deserving of our thanks.

Time to spare a thought for the professional windbags across the nation who, day in and day out, alone and without expertise or consequence, are tasked with the job of speculating how they would do things differently.

One such unsung hero is celebrity grinch Michael Hosking. While most of New Zealand hunkers down Michael is still hard at work. Day after day he provides an essential service delivering halfbaked hot takes and expertise-free judginess to thousands of people scanning news websites for actual factual content, or stumbling across his radio programme while searching for Radio Sport.

And right now he is stretched to the limit.

Handicapped by a total lack of expertise and a fast-dwindling understanding of how normal people live, and faced with a systemic empathy shortage that dates back to far before the current crisis, Michael is resorting to cobbling together his opinions from a rag-tag grab-bag of homespun bluster, antipathy and bullpuckey.

Stuff caught up with Michael as he took a much-needed break from a long shift of carping and whining to suck on a refreshing lemon.

Worryingly, he confides that although he has been manufacturing and stockpiling relentless negativity since the defeat of the previous government, he’s being forced to hand it out to those who deserve a swerve at an unprecedented rate.

‘‘I don’t shy away from work. Never have.’’ Michael told ‘‘But this is exhausting.

‘‘February, I’m saying we’re going overboard. ‘Sars, Mers, bird flu, they come and go’. That’s what I actually said. March, I’m telling the PM she’s not moving fast enough. Then, we go from Level 2 to Level 4 in two days and I’m complaining that the details aren’t all worked out. Next I’m putting the words ‘universal basic income’ into Grant Robertson’s mouth and saying let’s not go crazy. So we’re back to going overboard again.

‘‘And those are just the highlights. Fact is, pulling opinions out of your butt at this rate is simply hard work.’’

But for all his efforts on the frontlines of the current crisis, Michael worries that his vital opinions are not getting to those who need them the most.

‘‘Every day I keep telling the prime minister what to do but she keeps ignoring my advice. In a career-defining crisis like this, who is better placed than me to hold this Government to account?

‘‘Well, obviously scientific experts, the democratically elected Opposition and people who are actual professional journalists. But apart from them, no-one.’’

Undaunted, Michael soldiers on, always the giver.

‘‘I don’t expect thanks, never have. I’ll just be happy when I can return to my usual work – bashing cycleways and beneficiaries. For now I’ll just say this: whatever Jacinda Ardern does, John Key would have done it better. Better living, everyone.’’

‘‘Every day I tell the PM what to do but she keeps ignoring my advice ... Who is better placed than me to hold this Government to account?’’