A week puts my year in context
It’s all weird dreams, parental angst and writer’s block
This is my final column for 2015. A whole year of “writing shit about myself” according to award-winning novelist Charlotte Grimshaw, who noted her amazement at “what passes for a column these days’’. Rotten news, friend. This week, even scammier, all I’ve done is transcribe some random pages straight out of my $9.99 Paper Plus spiralbound journal. Monday Dreamt there was an earthquake and I was trying to catch a bad gangster in a swimming pool by writing in code on towels.
When subjects see a picture of an angry face and give it a name — anger — brain activity shifts from the amygdala to the pre-frontal cortex. This is why it is so useful for people who are prone to depression to use words to label their feelings.
Must remind myself of good things to compensate for innate negativity bias. I have managed to write 10 draft chapters of a book. Kids are happy. Well, happyish.
Went to see my therapist. She said: You can have conflict without either person being made bad.
Made lasagne. Watched Homeland. Allison keeps her Manolos on, even in shootout. Tuesday Who am I kidding!
Book manuscript is crud. G fell off scooter. B called me “idiot doofnugget mum”. Neither of them will eat proper food or ride bicycles. And I’m still bloody sad. Why? Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. BREATHE.
My pattern of seduction and abandonment is a way to experience feelings of power and control intended to help me overcome my sense of victimisation as a child. Nah, not helping.
Ate leftover lasagne. Watched The Affair. Mmmm: rich good-looking intellectuals stuffing up their lives. Wednesday Dreamt I was at a country club and making truffles out of poo for John Key.
G is struggling with finishing at primary school and saying goodbye to her friends. Trying to let her feel uncomfortable feelings without leaping in to fix it or telling her to stop being a drip. Don’t want to invalidate her feelings. But how can I help when I’m worse than she is at dealing with change? Think I missed vital toddler stage to do with learning when to “hang on” and, particularly, when to “let go”. No wonder I was painfully constipated as a kid. Friday All dysfunctional families are held together by a “groupthink” trance-like state of consciousness. Mantra: “work hard, don’t feel”.
Waking up from this kind of trance is painful.
Binge-watched Mr Robot. Is much easier to feel compassion for fictional characters who are nutters, than for self. Elliott, the hacker, joins anarchist group society. “We’re finally awake. We’re finally alive.” Sunday Took kids to Prego for lunch in manner of jolly Italian family. The only thing they will eat is plain pizza bread. Without herbs.
90% of everything is crap. Strangely, I find this uplifting. This is known as Sturgeon’s Law. Who is Sturgeon? Must look up. Monday Theodore Sturgeon was a science fiction writer. He was trying to defend science fiction from criticism of being rubbish. By saying it was mostly rubbish. Tuesday Today told publisher no way I will meet deadline. I am trying to practise having “hard conversations”. Did you know you can have conflict without anyone having to be made “bad”? Friday Am not checking emails as too scared to see response from publisher.
Dreamt I was at a theme park with Courtney Love and Ozzie Osbourne and was refusing to go on a ride. I woke up thinking “Is it possible to be a psychopath and still be boring?” Saturday Got up nerve to check emails. Wonderful publisher! Thank goodness for Chelsea Winter’s bestselling cookbook and all those adult colouring books.
My friend came over. Took kids to Parnell Baths and had hot chips at the cafe´. “You’re wet! Haven’t you seen the sign? You cannot come in here wet!” Hey lady, it’s a pool. Came home and drank rose and got takeaway curry. Sunday Children need to see the mothering source as “both/ and” and themselves as “both/ and”. Both comfortable and uncomfortable. Both good and bad. This is what is known as “object constancy’’. Watched The Affair. Must stop using rich people as jeer figures.
Consider using my judgments of others as opportunities to lovingly reclaim and embrace previously disowned parts of myself. (Maybe I have secret wish to be mean-jawed, boring psychopath? Or belong to a country club?) When we recognise our pain we develop compassion for our small and groping lives.
“Whatever is most personal is most general.” Quote from Carl Rogers, founder of humanist psychology.
90% of everything is crap. Strangely, I find this uplifting. This is known as Sturgeon’s Law.
Monday Today is the day I give up my long cherished fantasy that someday somebody will love me so fully I will have to follow suit and love myself. It doesn’t work that way. It never does. And yet. It is only our love for another that can heal our broken lives. To be human is to be the focal point of ambiguity and paradox. Both/ and. Both/and.
Watched 101 Dalmatians in bed with the kids, ate popcorn. Tuesday Must stop letting kids sleep in my bed. Popcorn crumbs are hard.