Let’s talk the plank
Maggots and sweeties, forget your soft core — she’ll be apples
Your core is pathetic. Your abs are weak. Your guts are grim. It’s ruining your life and risking your future. Luckily there’s an easy fix. There is a way you can get the perfect belly, make friends and get paid at the same time. All you have to do is form a Plank Tank. Plank Tank™ is the annoying rhyming name I’ve come up with for communal workplace abdominal strength training.
Here’s how the Plank Tank works in my office. Three times a day Banger Goodwin (one of my workmates) yells, “Hit the floor, maggots!” Everyone drops. Then he yells, “Plank now, you disgusting pigs.” We assume the plank exercise position. Two minutes later Banger yells, “Get back to work, you complete losers!” We continue what we were doing as if nothing happened. But something very important has happened. We just got a little stronger in the middle and a lot closer as a team.
Radio Hauraki has been running an enforced Plank Tank for two weeks now. I don’t have washboard abs yet. More like a pavlova on a halfinflated flotation device. But next week it will be a spongy pud on a soggy piece of balsa wood. Eventually, I’ll be running Hope diamonds on Captain America’s Adamantium Shield.
Our designated drill sergeant, Banger Goodwin, is a terrifyingly hardcore dude. A real psycho. He has to be. Our workplace is full of bottom feeders, deviants and sadists. We respond well to abuse. We love it. But your workplace might warrant a
gentler, more sophisticated approach. Maybe “OK, babes, time to plank, you beautiful peeps — I love you”.
As Matt Heath once said, “Your core is more important than God.” Bruce Lee added “My strength comes from the abdomen. It’s the centre of gravity and the source of real power.” When asked how he got the edge in his seventh tour de France victory, cycling legend Lance Armstrong put it this way, “Abdominal work”. That was the difference for him. That’s all it took. That was his edge. It could be yours.
There are two types of octogenarians. Hunched and erect. The difference is their core. You won’t regret the work you put in while you’re young. Form a plank for the future. If you are already old, you have some catching up to do. So start your Plank Tank today.
This isn’t a vanity project. You don’t have to be thin. A hidden core is better than no core. If you’re running a mass gut you need a strong tummy more than anyone. A large motor puts a terrible strain on your back. So plank now and get trim later.
Long-time readers of my articles (if any) will remember me going on about workplace workouts almost exactly a year ago today. In a column entitled “Working out at work is working for me”, I suggested bringing dumb bells to the office and hiding them under your desk. In retrospect, that article was a silly and impractical waste of your time. You don’t need
You need organisation. You need a drill sergeant. You need a Plank Tank in your workplace. So get everyone in the office on board . . . and plank your heart out. Plank yourself stupid.
dumb bells. You need organisation. You need a drill sergeant. You need a Plank Tank in your workplace.
So get everyone in the office on board. Pick the loudest and most obnoxious employee and dub them the enforcer. Give them a licence to abuse. Set phone notifications and plank your heart out. Plank yourself stupid. The office that planks together stays together.
Planking is simple. Drop to the floor. Get into the push-up position. Forearms on the ground. Elbows right underneath your shoulders. Stare straight at the carpet and hold.
Whether you’re fat or skinny, young or old, male or female, gay or straight, a strong core is a must for a healthy happy life. Planking will get you there.
You don’t even have to do it on your own time. Simply form a Plank Tank in your workplace and secure your future. While you’re on the clock.
Warning. If you work for a large corporation like I do, you might want to inform the wider staff of your plans. From a distance, multiple workers hitting the deck at the same time might suggest some kind of attack. You don’t want panicked people interrupting you mid-plank. You’ll have to start over.
Form your Plank Tank today or a Gut Hut or Core Corp or Plank Bank. Whatever you call it, “Drop to the floor now, you maggot loser”’ or “Drop to the floor, you lovely sweetie”. Whatever turns your core on.