Loss of baby — let’s talk about it
It happens all the time but we hardly ever talk about it. About one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, leaving many couples struggling with unresolved grief and social isolation. This report completes our video-based online series, made by Digital Alchemist and funded by NZ On Air.
The more we can talk about miscarriage, the more we can improve the support systems for those who go through it. “I think the more we talk about issues that have been perceived as something we shouldn’t talk about, the better we are,” says MP Ginny Andersen. “If there’s a new generation of young people growing up with confidence that they can ask a question and get a straight answer, then we’re improving.”
Feeling empowered to ask questions means people can deal in facts, instead of being silenced by shame.
Gynaecologist Reshma Desai stresses that miscarriage is no one’s fault. “The one message that I want people to get is: don’t blame yourself for a miscarriage,” she says.
Bereaved parent Sanele Chadwick says that talking more openly will make people feel less alone. “It would just be great for it to be normal to talk about miscarriage,” he says. “When you’re grieving by yourself it’s hard. But if you can grieve together, it makes it a bit easier.”
If we can demystify miscarriage, it will become easier for bereaved parents to receive the support and understanding that perinatal midwife specialist
Debbie Davies says they need.
“For many mums, this loss of pregnancy — that’s their baby, and we need to be really careful as a society and as a healthcare service to treat it as that,” Davies says. “Parents live with trauma for a long time if we don’t deal with it in a compassionate way.”
The more we can share our experiences of loss, the more we can share our experiences of resilience and hope.
“We didn’t want our baby to be a hidden statistic, so I’ve generally been really open about our experience,” says bereaved parent Hilaire Cornelius. “We planted a camellia tree which will flower in May. We also got for our Christmas tree an angel that lights up, and a hummingbird that represents the essence of life. There’s a few things we have done to honour what was our baby.”
Most people who experience miscarriage do go on to have a child, but that is not the case for everyone. Each wha¯nau has a different ending to their miscarriage story.
“We had three miscarriages, and we are not going to have children of our own,” says writer Kathryn van Beek. “It was difficult at the time, but my partner and I are leading happy and fulfilled lives. After the grief, there is hope.”