Sneak preview of the boss’ view from Fiery Pits of Hell

We cross now to the Fiery Pits of Hell in the year 2030, where Fifa president Gianni Infantino is giving a speech marking the launch of the 2030 World Cup*.

“Welcome! To everyone! Because truly, we are all welcome here, in the Fiery Pits of Hell. In fact, I have never felt such a warm welcome as the one I am experiencing here today, in the Fiery Pits of Hell — home to the 2030 Fifa World Cup!

“It is wonderful to see so many former heads of state from nations that once hosted the World Cup here today — and, of course, so many former Fifa officials and delegates. Also, big shout out to the entire creative team that produced the movie Frozen — kind of ironic you ended up in here, right?

“You might recall that some people were critical of Fifa’s decision to award the World Cup hosting rights to the Fiery Pits of Hell. It has been suggested the ethical standards that apply in the Fiery Pits of Hell are inconsistent with the core beliefs espoused by Fifa and, indeed, basic human rights.

“Let me be very clear about Fifa’s moral code: because bad things have happened somewhere else at some time, none of us can ever judge bad things happening anywhere, ever.

“Some critics said the Fiery Pits of Hell have no authentic history in our sport — they say the Fiery Pits of Hell should be reserved for suffering and torment. These people have clearly never sat through a 0-0 draw at Prenton Park in late January. Suffering and torment is the authentic history of our sport.

“Critics must recognise that football is the great unifier: It is not for us to judge the internal thought processes of despotic dictators, planet-melting petro-chemical billionaires, criminal warlords nor indeed Lucifer himself. Instead, let football bring us all together!

“These critics need to recognise the progress on human rights that are being made here in the Fiery Pits of Hell. The daily death rate for migrant workers building stadiums has dropped to zero in the past six months! Zero dead stadium builders each day! Well done! On which note, congratulations to the stadiumbuilding team who completed their work six months ago!

“Some people wondered if there would be alcohol available at this tournament. Well, they can relax: In hell, everyone drinks Budweiser.

“Where critics of a World Cup hosted in the Fiery Pits of Hell see nothing but anguished souls across an eternity of fiery desolation, we at Fifa see a rich opportunity to spread the unifying message of football.”

* This piece is satire.