Desperate letter to Santa

Dear Santa, I know it has been a while since I last wrote but I have been a very good boy this year and am hoping you can help. I know you are everywhere Santa and you know who is telling fibs so I will admit to trying to be a little bit, er, naughty at least once. You’ll probably already know Mrs P slapped my hand, told me to leave her alone and not be such a silly old sod. Anyway.

In our house the traditions of Christmas are under threat and I need your help.

The Boomerang Child, she’s the one that always comes back, and her bloke Builder Boy, are coming to us for Christmas.

She came over the other day and sat down with her Mum to talk about it.

Naturally, it being a Sunday afternoon and me having been up all night watching the rugby and keeping up my fluid intake (ahem), I was dozing on the couch. But I could hear them hatching a plan.

I was rather hoping they would discuss my Christmas present - I would like a box of golf balls and a bottle of gin by the way - but the discussion was mainly over what we are going to have for lunch.

And that’s the problem - you may need to sit down in the snow for this bit Santa - there is talk we may not have any turkey!

This is because ever since she did that yoga course, travelled throughout India and became vegetarian the Boomerang Child has become, well, a “happy, hippy vego” I suppose you’d call it.

Naturally my kids get my love and support in whatever path their lives lead them. But I’m not sure I can do without my turkey.

OK, as you know, we have gone away from the big old bird of yesteryear to a now more sensible, rolled thing which we get off the butcher. Have to be honest its quite tasty and definitely easier to carve, especially when you’ve got two or three gin and tonics on board already.

But the point is Santa, there’s talk we may not have any at all. As I say I’d had a big night and was a bit fuzzy but I’m sure I heard them talking about making up some nutty, vegan, mock roll thing instead.

I know! At Christmas for goodness sake.

Obviously we can’t allow this to happen.

OK, I suppose at a pinch, I could make do with half a dozen slices of turkey from Pak’nSave to get me through the festive season. It would certainly be cheaper.

But I think a better solution would be for you to get involved Santa and get our laws changed to make turkey mandatory.

Better still let’s get the Government to subsidise a turkey for every family nosh up.

All you’d need to do Santa is get in touch with that lady who runs the country and smiles a lot.

You know the one I mean. She’s not long had that little baby girl and will be wanting some pressies left under the tree for her, it being her first Christmas as a mum and all that.

It would be a simple discussion Santa.

Maybe something along the lines of “No turkey for the nation, no presents for baby” if you get my drift.

Anyway Santa, must dash. I’m making the editor a very special Christmas present in the hope of getting a pay rise next year and I’ve got to polish the feet of the winged gods on the marble statue.

Love from

Kevin Page, aged 55 and a bit.

PS: If I can’t have golf balls and a bottle of gin could I have an Angelina Jolie calendar instead.

And world peace. 1 In which country did John Walker break the sub-3 minute 50 seconds for the mile?

2 Born in the year 2000, Mia Honey is the daughter of which Oscarwinning actress?

3 Janszoon was the middle name of which 17th century Dutch explorer?

4 Name the duo who appeared naked on the front cover of the album Two Virgins?

5 Which of these was righthanded— Lewis Carroll, Kurt Cobain, Robert Muldoon or Horatio Nelson? The favourite mode of travel for skeleton pilots is—wait for it—the scareplane or the skelecopter. 1775: During the American Revolution, the Continental Army captured Montreal.

1942: US President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed a measure lowering the minimum draft age from 21 to 18.

1956: The US Supreme Court struck down laws calling for racial segregation on public buses.

1974: Karen Silkwood, a 28-year-old technician and union activist at the Kerr-McGee Cimarron plutonium plant near Crescent, Oklahoma, died in a car crash while on her way to meet a reporter.

1982: The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was dedicated on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. 1985 Some 23,000 residents of Armero, Colombia, died when a volcanic mudslide buried the city. 1994: Sweden voted in a nonbinding referendum to join the European Union, which it did the following year.

● Journalist Peter Arnett is 84.

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● Actress-comedian Whoopi Goldberg is 63.

● Comedian and talk show host Jimmy Kimmel is 51.

● Actor Steve Zahn is 51.

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● Writer Ayaan Hirsi Ali is 49.

● Actor Jordan Bridges is 45. 1. Sweden 2. Kate Winslet 3. Abel Tasman 4. John Lennon and Yoko Ono 5 Robert Muldoon The Northern Advocate is subject to the New Zealand Media Council. Complaints to be first directed to editor@ northernadvocate.co.nz. If unsatisfied, the complaint may be referred to the Media Council, PO Box 10-879, The Terrace, Wellington 6143, or info@mediacouncil.org.nz. More details and an online complaints form available at www.mediacouncil.org.nzlaints