Let sleeping mattresses lie

Hard to believe Christmas was already three weeks ago, isn’t it? We had a quiet one. Kids descended on us from all parts of the country and we ate and drank too much and opened a whole load of Secret Santa gifts.

If you asked me right now, I couldn’t tell you what we each got. I’m thinking I got a T-shirt which says My Wife Is A Hot Nurse but can’t swear to it. Come to think of it, I must have got that. There’s one in my closet and I’m pretty sure I didn’t get sloshed and go out and pinch it.

So, anyway, the point is . . . as nice as it was, the memory of last Christmas is fading fast.

All except the existence of several mattresses in our house that is. And that is the point of this, my first piece for 2019.

So if you’re sitting comfortably I’ll begin. Regular readers of my scribblings will recall how, over the past few years, we have been steadily downsizing.

We would like to explore a life on the road in our bus but for a variety of reasons it’s not something we can just do. So, we are taking the time to divest ourselves of bits of furniture. Including beds and mattresses.

Boomerang Child and her bloke, Builder Boy, are about half a year into first-home ownership and we gave them a whole load of furniture, including a bed and mattress.

That left us with one spare mattress should anyone come to visit.

A mate rang in a panic prior to Christmas following the unexpected arrival of some guests, asking if we had a spare mattress. We did. So he came and got it.

That left us with no mattresses but no worries either. For a brief moment.

Now initially it looked like Mrs P and I would be having a quiet Christmas but then things changed and the entire tribe, with partners, decided to come home for the big day plus a couple either side.

I couldn’t very well go and ask my mate for the mattress I had just loaned him back so I did the ringaround thing and contacted The Boys, that fine group of gentlemen every male has who can help with anything from labour to relationship advice.

Eventually the Scottish Plumber came to the rescue.

Yes. He had one. But it was a king size and a brute to move. I’d have to get a trailer and he’d have to help me lift it. With no other options available we did just that.

Two things.

First, the Scottish Plumber is not prone to understatement. It was a brute to move. And by the time we had shifted it we were exhausted, sweaty . . . and thirsty.

Secondly, the Scottish Plumber likes a drink. Several in fact. So after our exertions I felt obliged to assist him in his desire to rehydrate so, to cut a long story short, I did.

Needless to say, the next day, when I located a second mattress all I wanted to do was lay down and die on it. It took a major effort of concentration to get it in place but once done all was well in the kingdom.

Mrs P and I decided not to tell the kids about the mattress drama. We didn’t want them feeling bad.

I would have liked to have had some help returning the mattresses after Christmas but Mrs P came along for the ride to keep me company. And presumably to make sure the Scottish Plumber didn’t trick me into alcohol consumption again, the evil man.

Anyway, I huffed and puffed and returned the two mattresses and the trailer and then we drove home talking about our plans for the bedrooms now we had no beds and mattresses clogging things up.

My heart sank as I drove up the driveway and saw a mattress propped up against the front door under the covered porch. On it was a note from the kids. They had been out shopping and bought a new bed and didn’t need the mattress any more. We could have it back.

Two guesses who had to manhandle it inside. 1 If a person has dysphasia, what

does he/she have difficulty doing? 2 What nationality was racing driver

Mario Andretti?

3 According to legend, the Scottish hero Robert the Bruce learnt the principle of perseverance from watching what creature?

4 Port-au-Prince is the capital city of

where?

5 Peptic is the adjective that refers

to which body function? Q: What bow can't be tied? A: A rainbow! 1559: England's Queen Elizabeth I was crowned in Westminster Abbey. 1892: The original rules of basketball, devised by James Naismith, were published for the first time in Springfield, Massachusetts, where the game originated.

1919: In Boston, a tank containing an estimated 2.3 million gallons of molasses burst, sending the dark syrup coursing through the city's North End, killing 21 people.

1973: President Richard M. Nixon announced the suspension of all U.S. offensive action in North Vietnam, citing progress in peace negotiations.

1989: NATO, the Warsaw Pact and 12 other European countries adopted a human rights and security agreement in Vienna, Austria.

1993: A historic disarmament ceremony ended in Paris with the last of 125 countries signing a treaty banning chemical weapons.

● Actress

Margaret

O'Brien is 81.

● Actor-director

Mario Van

Peebles is 62.

● Rock musician Adam

Jones (Tool) is

54.

● Actor James Nesbitt is 54.

● Singer Lisa Lisa (Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam) is 52.

● Actor Chad Lowe is 51.

● Actress Regina King is 48.

● Rapper/reggaeton artist Pitbull is

38.

● Electronic dance musician Skrillex is 31. 1 Swallowing 2 American 3 Spider 4 Haiti 5 Digestion. The Northern Advocate is subject to the New Zealand Media Council. Complaints to be first directed to editor@ northernadvocate.co.nz. If unsatisfied, the complaint may be referred to the Media Council, PO Box 10-879, The Terrace, Wellington 6143, or info@mediacouncil.org.nz. More details and an online complaints form available at www.mediacouncil.org.nz