Cards stacked against me

Once I even adopted a digital-type voice and said, “My call is important to you” but my message failed to record.

After last week’s comments, I would never have believed that phones, banking and mail could come together to provide column fodder again.

I was out walking the dog and, on a footpath, I came upon somebody’s debit card. I did what most people would do: I scanned the immediate environs to see if a possible owner was nearby; I read the name on the card but did not recognise it; I asked the dog what she thought; I shook the card and listened for the sound of money in it.

Then I pocketed the flexible friend and continued the dog’s walk, vowing to look into it when I returned home.

But, I found, it’s not as easy to be a good Samaritan as you might think.

My first step was to look in the phone book for the name. This was far from easy thanks to the size of the font. I mistook an 8 for a 6 and so my first call was . . . well . . . unhelpful. But I had located a surname and an initial which matched the name on the card.

It was a magnifying glass that put me on the right track (perhaps telephone directories should come fitted with magnifying glasses) and I was able to dial the number quick as a flash and hear the recorded message, “The person you are calling is currently unavailable. Please try again later.”

I tried again five times through the rest of the day, leaving tasteful gaps between each attempt so that I would not appear too persistent. Same again the next day and always the same message. Once I even adopted a digital-type voice and said, “My call is important to you” but my message failed to record.

I realise that the number may not even be operational. More and more people — including us — are ditching their landline and relying purely on their mobile.

So, what to do next? You’re probably thinking I could just take it into the bank but you’re probably forgetting that, for our convenience, the local branch closed last week. I have no idea where the bingo lady is now sourcing her 20 cent coins.

Yes, I could travel further afield and drive to a big branch that is still open but the distance and time involved mean that would have to wait.

Or I could phone the bank — not the closed local branch but the head honcho. You’re probably forgetting how long it takes to do that, “Please tell us, in as few words as possible, what you are calling about.”

“I’ve found someone’s debit card.” “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” Then, after another attempt, the music-filled wait.

Or you might be thinking that I could simply post it to the bank’s head office. Have you sent something by mail lately? Even with tracking it can be fraught. Recently I had a tracking message, “Your item is currently being delivered” for nine consecutive days!

Wouldn’t it be joyous to receive a tracking message like this: “Your package is already in your town in a van being driven by a bloke called Tom who will deliver it between 2 and 3pm.” Sure beats, “What package?”

Courier? I think you might be losing sight of what I’m doing here. I’ve simply found someone’s debit card and I’m trying to do the decent thing and return it.

As far as I can see, the safest way for the time being is to keep it and hope the debit card holder reads this and then they can contact this newspaper by phone or mail — no, wait . . . perhaps they should email.

Or use a carrier pigeon.