IN THE HOOD
There are many sides to Mother's Day, writes Rachel Ward
OVER THE YEARS I have thought a lot about the word mum and what it means, for a variety of reasons. I wanted to be one, my mum died, I celebrated with my friends as they became mums and grieved with the ones who didn’t.
For lots of women, expecting to be a mum is a huge part of who they are and when that is taken away it can be a long painful journey to find the new version of yourself. The version that also isn’t defined by centuries of conditioning and expectation.
When a man has no children it is rarely questioned ...
When a man has no children it is rarely questioned — they might be thought of as a player, a cool bachelor or even as having had a lucky escape.
If a woman has none they can be thought of as callous, hard, career women or even worse, broken.
In my experience it is very rarely as simple as can’t have or don’t want, for both women and men.
Actor Jennifer Aniston, who has to deal with endless speculation and scrutiny about her fertility and motherhood, once said: “You may not have a child . . . but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering — dogs, friends, friends’ children.”
It seems there is an idea of motherhood as being essential to womanhood and that’s why many women who struggle with infertility can feel their self-worth challenged.
The idea that motherhood is a prerequisite to being a woman was something I first came across when someone told me being a mother makes you a real woman. You can imagine my surprise and hurt to hear that if I didn’t have children I wasn’t even a real woman — so what was I?
Of course that is ridiculous, but for a little while
I actually believed it. This is the power of the mother.
And rightly so. Mothers are amazing. My mother certainly was: loving, kind, gentle and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and give thanks that she was my mum.
I wouldn’t be anywhere near the person I am without her love and support.
The day she died the world became a very different place for me. It’s hard to explain exactly what it was, I guess it was simply that my mum was no longer here.
The advertising in the lead-up to Mother’s Day is relentless and the imagery often shows the perfect family. Breakfast in bed, cute kids, laughter, cuddles, handmade cards or burnt toast. Dads smiling.
I get it is the ‘Hallmark’ view and for some it may very well be like that. But, for the most part, the world doesn’t look like that any more, if it ever really did.
It was the consumerist aspect that the ‘mother’ of Mother’s Day railed against.
It seems the founder of the modern Mother’s Day was a woman in the US called Anna Jarvis. She saw the focus of the day on children celebrating their mothers and, when the day went commercial, she gave everything to fight it, including apparently campaigning to have the day rescinded.
Interestingly, Jarvis never had children of her own but, when her mother died in 1905, it inspired her to start the first Mother’s Day observances in 1908.
It was later designated as the second Sunday in May by President Woodrow Wilson in 1914.
So here we are, 113 years later, still celebrating mums and in this week’s lead essence feature we talk to Northland mums — and a dad — about what the day is about for them.
I watch my friends as they raise their kids and feel proud to see them grow as women and mums and their beautiful kids grow into strong, independent people because of them.
I am equally proud of my friends who haven’t had kids, for the million different reasons there are, and their resilience and strength to be where they are.
Mother’s Day is a day of appreciation and happiness, but it is important to remember it is a sad day for many, too.
So, wherever you are in life, and whatever Mother’s Day means for you, take a moment to reflect and look around.
Life is rarely as simple as we think and that person who doesn’t have children, or the friend whose mum died may just need friendly text, or call to remind them they matter.
As for me, I’ll be lighting a candle and taking a peaceful moment to remember my mum and all the wonderful times we shared. Creating my own ‘Hallmark’ moment, I guess.