Kaitaia’s turn at last

Kaitaia has finally had its turn at being derided by an outfit calling itself Shit Towns of NZ. And it doesn’t fare well. “Kaitaia is New Zealand’s northernmost town of any note, one of the last dots on the map before plunging into the Tasman Sea,” STNZ says.

“Boasting a 100 per cent unemployment rate and patrolled by packs of juvenile delinquents armed with makeshift weapons, Kaitaia is essentially an open-air museum exhibit entitled ‘What happens when a town goes wrong.’

“Kaitaia is the gateway to Ninety Mile Beach, a famous strip of sand that is actually only 55 miles long, making it the biggest line of bull . . . until the 100% Pure New Zealand campaign.

“Popular activities in Kaitaia include tobogganing down a sand dune on a real estate sign, getting chased off a beach by territorial locals or going boarded-up window-shopping down the main street.

“‘Kaitaia’ translates to ‘big feed,’ which refers to the uteloads of greasy takeaways enjoyed by locals on dole day. Kaitaians are particularly proud of hosting New Zealand’s northernmost McDonald’s, so if you’re looking to choke down a Filet-o-Fish before sampling some local artisanal methamphetamine, then Kaitaia is your town.”

The northernmost town of any note isn’t in bad company though. Others to have come in for unfavourable scrutiny include Palmerston North (“where ducks keep dropping dead from botulism,”) Te Aroha, Huntly, Hamilton, Nelson and Thames. Even Queenstown.