Kalderimis

Dear Unsure: It sure doesn’t sound like it. A man who says he doesn’t ‘‘love you in that way any more’’ is saying that he has decided that your relationship isn’t the right one for him. For whatever reasons, he is saying that he would rather live without you than with you. It would appear that he has given the relationship quite a bit of soulsearching to arrive at the place he has. It is therefore unlikely that he will be talked back into a relationship with you.

But I do have a suggestion for you. Read the next letter first. Dear Hurt and Unsure: One of the most painful experiences life gives us is when we fall in love with someone who does not fall back – or who falls out of love and no longer wants a relationship with us. It hurts deeply, and it’s all the more painful because we are so powerless. The other person has to feel engaged, interested, desirous and committed, and all of those emotions and behaviours are entirely outside of our control.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t attempt to help your man reengage. The woman whose common-law spouse left her might pose the question to him: ‘‘What would you need in order to consider coming back? What could I offer you that would change your mind and give our relationship one more chance?’’ The woman whose boyfriend seems detached might ask: ‘‘What would you want in order to give our relationship a much greater priority? Meaning that we see each other more often, communicate more frequently and you are willing to offer me much more time and effort than you do now.’’

Listen carefully to the response. If he has an answer that seems sincere, and it is doable, would it be something you might consider offering him? If his answer is: ‘‘There’s nothing you can do’’ or ‘‘I’m already giving all I can’’, he is saying no to a closer relationship with you. If he says ‘‘I’m not sure what it is I need’’, ask him to reflect on it and to call you with an answer. If he doesn’t, his answer is no.

It may be that your man wants a deeper relationship than the one he’s in, and that talking about what kind of a relationship the two of you are trying to create may sound appealing to him. Then it would be a chat about how to get there.

But a word of caution: You don’t want to talk him into anything – he has to want the relationship. And you don’t want a man who doesn’t want you, because that’s going to hurt even more – and you’ll eventually be rejected, anyway. A love relationship has got to be voluntary, and he has to feel there’s something wonderful in it for him.

Don’t make the mistake of settling for someone who is lukewarm toward you. You want a whole-hearted, not a halfhearted relationship. Don’t you?

Neil Rosenthal is a marriage and family therapist. If you have an issue you would like him to address in this column, write to him c/o Life Editor, The Dominion Post, PO Box 3740, Wellington 6140, or through heartrelationships.com.

TOXOPLASMOSIS has been in the news both because of recent research and its connection with cats. It’s a disease caused by a protozoan parasite called Toxoplasma gondii. This parasite affects most warm blooded animals including humans, but the cat is the principal host.

Toxoplasmosis is found throughout the world and for most of us, dealing with cat faeces either with emptying out a litter box or with contact in the garden, is the main route of infection.

Most healthy, fit people will not suffer greatly from toxoplasmosis, although there is recent research from Auckland University which contradicts this, but babies, the elderly and immune-compromised people are much more at risk.

The acute symptoms will occur some 10 to 14 days after the parasite is ingested. The classic symptoms are enlarged lymph glands, headache, fever, aches and pains. These are symptoms which are consistent with a mild flu-like illness.

Therefore, when a person first presents to the doctor they may well be diagnosed with a flu-like illness. However, if the illness was to persist and the glands were to stay up for a prolonged period then the thought of toxoplasmosis is considered. Some antimalarial drugs and antibiotics may be effective.

It has been estimated that some 30 per cent of the world’s population may carry toxoplasmosis infection.

Recent research has linked toxoplasmosis to different disorders ranging from schizophrenia to ADHD. These associations, however, have not been definitely proven.

Toxoplasmosis in pregnant women is of particular concern and there are some countries, such as France, Austria and Italy, which test all pregnant women for toxoplasmosis routinely.

However, there have been several false positives and sometimes testing can cause more harm than good. If foetal testing finds an abnormal pregnancy, toxoplasmosis will be looked at.

It can also be caught from eating undercooked meat. However, this is an unlikely cause in New Zealand.

Preventing toxoplasmosis is down to common sense and good hygiene. If you are handling raw meat you should wash your hands. Children’s play areas should be free of cat and dog faeces and you should wash your hands after handling soil. Wearing gloves while gardening and dealing with soiled areas is also a preventive measure.

Pregnant women should avoid cat faeces at all times and should not empty cat litter.

If you think toxoplasmosis is affecting you it is probably a good idea to see your doctor, who can organise a blood test.

Chris Kalderimis is a Wellington GP