Husband wants to stop straying

Dear Busted: I’m unsure about whether your wife is past the point of no return, so I’m not sure whether there is anything you are going to be able to do to redeem yourself. Further, I’m unclear if you really want to stop the behaviour you’ve described. You’re clearly getting enough from it that you’ve continued it for decades, even when you’ve been warned by your wife to cease and desist.

I would like to suggest that you need to look at what you’re doing more carefully. I am guessing you have discovered that you are not going to find love with a prostitute. That’s not what prostitutes offer. So I assume it’s the male ego boost you referred to that is really driving this behaviour. But obviously it’s not working for you, or you wouldn’t have to do it over and over again. If you actually got that ego boost, presumably it would last longer than a few days. But it doesn’t last.

Figure out the very real reasons why you feel so empty and unfulfilled in your life, in your marriage and as a family man – and hold yourself accountable for repairing what’s wrong – rather than looking for your next fix. Otherwise, nothing is going to work, and you will never find happiness and fulfillment, inside or outside of marriage.

Here’s what you could do if you were wanting to repair your relationship with your wife.

First, she is due an apology, along with a full and uncensored description of your behaviour. (If you want her trust, you can’t continue to deny everything you’ve been doing, because her BS detector is now on alert.)

Second, prove to your wife that you’re going to change this behaviour by giving her the pass codes to all your electronic devices, like your phone, computer, social media networks, your daily calendar, and offer her access to all of your phone and text contacts – so she can see everyone you communicate with, and be able to contact any of those people at any time in order to verify that you have been telling the truth.

If you can do all that, reliably, with no deceptions or lies, you may be able to earn your wife’s trust back, slowly. If you won’t do what I’m suggesting, you do not want to be a married family man.

Neil Rosenthal, a marriage and family therapist, is running his first workshop in New Zealand, in Wellington on March 15-16, on Why Relationships Fail: And How to Make Sure Yours Doesn’t. For information and bookings, email roni@heartrelationships.com. If you have an issue you would like him to address in this column, write to him at heartrelationships.com.