Change manager
Breaking the cycle of failure
IWAS speaking to a woman the other day who told me that she always felt like a failure. This perception of herself was based on several experiences in her life where she had tried to create change, but hadn’t been successful.
While most of us can be hard on ourselves sometimes (often unrealistically and unfairly) this woman had proof that she was a failure. Every time she had set a plan to create change she hadn’t followed through. History reinforced that she would be stuck in this place forever.
I asked her what she went through when she knew she had failed – what went through her head, how did she feel? She was very honest and told me how she was extremely hard on herself and went to a very negative place. And that could last a while.
I was curious to find out if she knew how to get out of her rut and her answer was very interesting. She told me that she would finally get to a point where she was sick of feeling that way, which triggered her to actively do something that would make her feel better about herself. It was at this time, when she was in the most negative place at the very bottom, that she tried to plan the change that she needed.
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt when trying to help people create change is that many of us are terrible at the planning stages. We create plans well ahead of our current ability, which leads to us failing. Through experience I’ve learnt that when we are in a bad place, this feeling of failure is multiplied tenfold and the fallout is magnified. Why is this the case?
I believe that when we want change so badly, we throw all our energy and resource into making it happen. Then we create a totally unrealistic plan.
It appeared that this was the problem the woman I was talking to had. She would fail at something, feel terrible about herself and create a new plan to get out of it – but because she was desperate she would create a plan which never had a chance of success. She continually experienced failure and was now self-identifying with it all the time.
So how to break this cycle? A good starting point is working out the best time for her to do her planning. If she is in a negative emotional space, it may be helpful to remind herself that being in that headspace isn’t the best time. She may be better off spending time to find healthy ways to deal with those negative emotions first.
She may also discover that talking to a few supportive friends, doing some writing or going for a walk puts her in a better headspace. Once she is in a more rational and positive place she can sit down a create a realistic plan for change that she knows is achievable.
When life gets on top of us and we become overwhelmed we can become desperate to find a way out. But dealing with the emotional side of things might be a better target first.