Greeting year with pinch of salt
As the country snaps out of its soporific post-holiday euphoria and slots back into grim work groove, we must take on board and be mindful of the messages gleaned from the news stories of the past few weeks.
We must not, especially if we are whipper snappers, sip on energy drinks overly laced with sugar and caffeine that will make our tickers race and go like the clappers.
When we arrive back at work, we should meet collectively before informing our bosses we will no longer submit to the nomadic practices of hot-desking, or toiling in open plan environments. Nonpartitioned spaces, and using desks which have had multiple backsides sitting at them, and grubby fingers tickling the same keyboards, increases the likelihood of sickness and work inefficiency.
If we have decided to buy a new pet, we should steer clear of squashy-faced dog breeds suffering from Brachycephalic syndrome. These unfortunate creatures suffer from painful and difficult breathing, and if we are owners of those breeds, we should have them immediately de-sexed so their ilk will quickly die out.
Should we feel a sneeze coming on while attending the movies or using public transport, under no circumstances should we stifle our sneezes by clamping the mouth shut and holding the nose. What was once seen as a socially responsible, courteous act is actually dangerous and doctors have warned against it.
While ‘sneeze stifling’ may help stop the spread of bugs, and silence the sound of annoying and vulgar expostulations, trying to contain a convulsive explosion of air may lead to numerous complications, such as ruptured ear drums and lethal brain aneurysms.
For his trouble, a polite British man who successfully trapped his sneeze, recently ended up rupturing the back of his throat.
While watching chickens cross the road, we should allow them to cross without questioning their motives. (Actually, that wasn’t a news story, I read it on a T-shirt.)
We should stop watching CNN after Fox News host Sean Hannity described his network’s competition as ‘‘CNN, the Shithole Network’’ because it is the home of fake news. (Note to self, must immediately flush down the loo the last rolls of toilet paper with Donald Trump’s face on it, and order Trump Shit Hole toilet paper.)
After being out of the news for some time, salt returns to the dog box once more. We should ease up our intake of salt after lab rats were given too much of it, and started to show signs of dementia. Apparently when the rodents stopped ingesting the salt, they returned to their happy, normal lab-rat selves again.
Should we travel to the deep south during 2018, we would do well to remember to dress smartly if we have to make an appearance in the Alexandra District Court. Seven defendants were recently kicked out of the dock by Judge Michael Turner, who objected to their casual wardrobe of shorts and jandals.
The Slovenly Sartorial Seven were told in no uncertain terms that the judge’s courtroom wasn’t a beach, and were instructed to either return home to change, or go to The Warehouse and buy something suitable. (Rachel Hunter, who has previously designed clothing for The Warehouse, should be informed so she can immediately start work on a snazzy Summer Courthouse Wear line.)
We should all make an effort, particularly those over 65 and between the ages of 15-24, to be less lonely in 2018 because being lonely is as bad for you as obesity, or smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Age Concern says half of Kiwis over 65 experience loneliness, while almost one in 10 feel lonely all of the time.
Loneliness has been on the increase since the invention of telephones and cars made it possible for people to live far away from communities where people were in easy walking distance of each other.
The upsurge in old people’s care home facilities has ghetto-ised the elderly and turned them into social pariahs. At least those inhabitants have some contact, while many elderly spend days on end without human contact.
The upsurge in old people's care home facilities has ghetto-ised the elderly and turned them into social pariahs.
Even at the other end of the spectrum, the young too are well versed in loneliness. One US teenager, who had to change schools because of severe bullying, still felt isolated at lunch times at her new school when no one sat with her.
So she created a Sit with US club app for those wanting to find other like-minded students to have company in the lunch break. The club, she says, has had some good response, but it’s early days yet.
I suspect there’s no perfect algorithm for loneliness to help find a friend in an app-formed club. It would remind me too much of Groucho Marx’s quote when he said: ‘‘I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.’’
‘‘Alone again – naturally’’ is probably as good as it gets, till you find friendship the old-fashioned organic way.