What self care really means
It is not all bubble baths and staying in bed - it’s also about being kind to yourself,
If you’ve spent any time at all on the internet in the past few years, you’ve probably come across the notion of self care.
Part of an increased public conversation around mental health, it refers to the idea of knowing your own limits and being kind to yourself so you’re more able to cope with the rest of your life, and hopefully even thrive.
That’s a reasonably broad definition, though, and not everything that could come under it will necessarily be all that helpful. W’d all like to feel happier and more on top of things, but figuring out exactly where to start can be tricky.
For Matt Powell, a 37-year-old software developer who lives in Wellington, it comes down to a combination of systems and being prepared.
While the idea of self care didn’t initially appeal, it’s now a key part of how Powell manages his ADHD, anxiety and depression. From Christchurch, he saw a spike in those conditions post-quake.
‘‘[At first it seemed] like bubble baths and blanket forts, but I dug a bit deeper and other things started resonating with me,’’ Powell says. ‘‘Everybody will have a different set of things that work for them.’’
That can mean something as simple as clearing your inbox or limiting the number of meetings you commit to in one day – both of which Powell does. The idea is to work around yourself rather than either giving up or trying to power through and winding up miserable.
Clinical psychologist Karen Nimmo would likely agree. She says self care is key in terms of building emotional resilience – something most of us would find useful.
It’s about ‘‘pouring some emotional oil into your own tank’’, she says.
In its various forms, it’s a practice she’d be keen to see widely adopted. ‘‘Psychologists will talk about it with anyone who will listen,’’ Nimmo says. ‘‘We are big on it for ourselves too, because you have to take care of your own emotional health to be in the best shape to help others.’’
‘‘If you’ve got a bad back or sprained ankle you go to the GP or physio or get a massage. We ice them, we rest them, we look after them. So why should our emotional health have to look after itself?’’
‘‘Self care is not just about looking after yourself when you’re under high stress or in emotional pain. It’s an all-thetime thing,’’ Nimmo explains.
‘‘Mental strength and fitness are just as important as physical but because it’s not visual it doesn’t grab the same attention. You never see a ‘hot mind’ posted on Instagram. I wish.’’
Nimmo suggests things like fresh air, enough sleep, good food, books and music as forms of self care. Invest in close,
supportive relationships and move away from ones that leave you drained.
Exercising three or four times a week is great, she says, but you should also find a reliable stress release that doesn’t involve vigorous exercise. Make something. Be creative.
‘‘Say yes to things that bring you pleasure and no to things that don’t,’’ Nimmo says, adding that those of us with moderate to severe mental health struggles will need more targeted help.
Working as a theatre practitioner in Auckland, 20-year-old Natasha Hoyland has the creative side of things down pat. She came across the idea of self care while going through a stressful period at university.
‘‘At first I thought it was a typical student life thing, but after weeks and weeks of bursting into tears as soon as I stepped into the house, I knew I had to at least try to remedy it,’’ she says.
Like Powell, Hoyland isn’t keen on the bubble baths and staying in bed school of self care – at least not on its own. She tried that initially and found that avoiding her problems didn’t make her feel any better. Rather than being relaxing, baths started to feel like a waste of time and water.
‘‘For me now, I find being productive is what helps the most. I try to do things that are beneficial, tasks I’d usually procrastinate about doing, like cleaning my room, doing some laundry, replying to a bunch of work emails, or going to the gym,’’ Hoyland says.
‘‘When I get these tiny things done, especially if I get multiple done in a row, it feels like such a huge victory and it makes me feel so much better.’’
Of course, it isn’t just about getting on with it. Some days will be harder than others, and Hoyland says that sometimes that huge victory she talked about can just be doing her laundry and reading a chapter of a book. It’s less about toughening up and more about helping yourself out.
Powell feels similarly, and says it’s a matter of perspective. Rather than putting off tasks or events that seem scary indefinitely, he’ll use some Netflix and junkfood time as a way to make sure he’s better equipped to deal with it later.
‘‘It’s OK to acknowledge that some things and situations are hard for me, as long as the techniques I use to manage and work around those strategies don’t turn into constant avoidance,’’ he says.
‘‘I’m capable of doing some pretty awesome stuff [but] nobody can be 100 per cent awesome 100 per cent of the time.’’
‘‘If you’ve got a bad back or sprained ankle you go to the GP or physio or get a massage. So why should our emotional health have to look after itself?’’ Karen Nimmo, clinical psychologist