Being a parent with an eating disorder can be hard
When I look back on my own years of obsessive dieting and binge eating, it’s always with a laugh and an eye roll: ‘‘Every teenage girl had an eating disorder then. It was a rite of passage.’’ I was never frighteningly skinny or forced into treatment. It was simply always there, quietly controlling my moods, my wardrobe, my metabolism and my sense of worth.
In adulthood, my relationship with my eating disorder has softened into more of an easygoing partnership than toxic abuse. But it often makes its presence known through internal dialogues and little games: Daily weigh-ins that determine whether I’m wearing pants with buttons that day; parsing out cookies two at a time because odd numbers are uncomfortable.
The gravity of my responsibility as a parent is not lost on me: I’m partly in charge of two little people’s nutrition, helping to establish habits that could shape their relationship with food. And I want them to remain free from my burdens.
Even though I was never diagnosed with a disorder, I reasoned that I had learned enough in my lifetime to empower my kids. I would never force my children to eat if they’re not hungry. I don’t talk about my body issues with them. If going out to dinner means they only eat french fries for one meal, that’s OK.
But I couldn’t control my reactions of glee and high praise when my kids made the ‘‘right’’ choices. That rose to the surface when I offered my son a bite of my food.
‘‘Kids are so smart,’’ says Lauren Anton, a Los Angelesbased registered dietitian nutritionist who specialises in treating disordered eating. ‘‘If you have an agenda with food, kids will sniff it out.’’
How can we model healthy eating without making it a big deal? ‘‘First, we have to move away from the term ‘healthy’ even though it’s well-intentioned,’’ she said. ‘‘There is no good food, bad food.’’
I reached out to other parents who had battled eating disorders. One of them, Kimberly Bernstein, is a college friend and I remembered how deeply anorexia affected her daily life. She told me her struggles started when she was 10 - not far from her three kids’ ages now.
‘‘In my desire to feed them real, whole foods, I noticed that one of my daughters was becoming sugar obsessed,’’ she said. ‘‘All of her imaginary play had to do with cupcakes and candy stores, and I realised I was creating what I didn’t want.’’
‘‘I ask them to pay attention to how their bodies feel after they eat, because giving them the tools to trust themselves is going to work out better than controlling their choices,’’ Bernstein says. ‘‘That’s the gift I can offer them because of my past.’’
Another mother, Katie Norris, has a son who struggles with food sensitivities. She’s had to be careful about letting him experiment, but keeps the focus on how foods make him feel.
As for other steps, here are some suggestions:
❚ Avoid talking about weight, body mass index or numbers on a scale. That can be a trigger that leads to an unhealthy fixation.
❚ Let your kids take the lead.
❚ Don’t label food ‘‘good versus bad’’, ‘‘healthy versus unhealthy’’.
❚ Dine together as much as possible. According to the American Academy of Paediatrics, eating at least three meals together a week has a protective factor against eating disorders.
❚ Pay attention to your kids’ digital use. Social media can amplify behaviours that are characteristic of people with eating disorders.
❚ Ease up on yourself. People with eating disorders tend to be really hard on themselves. You’ve got to give yourself a break.
– The Washington Post