Gospel according to Israel . . . and others
In the beginning was the tweet. And the tweet was from Israel who lived in the Hot Dry Arid Land where shrimps are throwneth on barbies. The tweet was inflammatory and, according to many, spreadedeth hate. ‘‘What hate is being spreadeth?’’ asked one of the doubting Pharisees on morning television, ‘‘Israel doth simply quoteth his Holy Book.’’
But Israel did not correctly quotheth when he saideth that ‘‘gay people would be condemned to hell unless they repent for their sins’’. Though the Bible sayeth that homosexual men will not go to Heaven, that is not what Israel saideth. And why in the Bible, does not the tribe of Lesbia get a mention?
‘‘Wait a moment,’’ said Dathan and Abiram, who were trialling for NRL clubs, ‘‘the Bible also sayeth a man must not mark his body with ink, yet Israel, you have a massive tatt on your chest. Looks really good, too, bro.’’
‘‘That is because I have selectedeth and editedeth the part of the Bible that suitseth my views,’’ said Israel with smugness.
The people of El Geebeeteeai were offended, as Israel was saying they were destined for hell. ‘‘Many of our young people will be influenced by your comments,’’ quoth Louisa of Manurewa, an awesome wing defence in her day, ‘‘and they may consider death byeth their own hand.’’
And the people of El Geebeeteeai waited for a Messiah who was All Black to appear and speak for them. And even though some of these All Blacks openly tweetedeth support for right-wing prime ministers, not one tweetedeth against Israel.
Israel’s good wife Maria agreed with her husband and she Instagrammed much. ‘‘Don’t be afraid to stand up for the truth,’’ quoth she, ‘‘even if it means thou will be standing alone.’’
Yet Maria had somehow offended God, as her team of warriors suffered terrible losses on the Coast of Gold to the Hot Dry Arid Land (Malawi), the Hot Dry Arid Land (Australia), the Hot Dry Arid Land (Jamaica) and the Cold Wet Foggy Land (England), despite Maria’s amazing ability in the goal circle.
And Israel did not repenteth. Even when he was summoned to the Castle of Raelene and she smited him with a bus ticket dipped in water, he would not altereth his views.
And the people of El Geebeeteeai waited for a Messiah who was All Black to appear and speak for them. And they waited and they waited.
Meanwhile Brian of Tamaki, a bishop with vast quantities of gold, appeared in a triumph. Or it might have been a Harley. Jesus wept. Brian committed the sinful act of sucking up to Israel and calling for the ‘‘cry baby’’ people of El Geebeeteeai to ‘‘take it on the nose’’.
And the people of El Geebeeteeai knew that their young Pacific people were at increased risk of death byeth their own hand with Israel’s tweet, so they waited for a Messiah who was All Black to speak for them. And they waited and they waited.
Then finally Chief Brad Weber of Waikato, who was named after a particularly efficient barbecue and wore a single cap on his head, raised his hand and spake. ‘‘I have relatives who are gay and they and their partners are awesome,’’ said Brad. And the sky did not fall in.
Then TJ of Porirua, who had 42 caps upon his head said, ‘‘Me too, bro. There is no justification of harmful comments. Let he who is without sin crouch, touch, pause and engage. It is OK to be you. Polynesia has been diverse forever.’’
And the people of El Geebeeteeai – including the fa’afafine and takata¯ pui members of Israel’s own whanau – rejoiced, because even though they lived in a supposedly modern land, they knew that it was massively helpful to have All Blacks on your side.
Then the Iceman cometh. And even though Michael of Auckland was highly religious and very conservative, he urged his friend Israel to switch his heart from the blindside to the openside. ‘‘Thou must be inclusiveth,’’ quoth the Iceman, ‘‘we must find ways to love all.’’ And never was a truer word spaked.
Here endeth the lesson from the Book of Dave.
And Israel did not repenteth. Even when he was summoned to the Castle of Raelene and she smited him with a bus ticket dipped in water.