‘You can’t be too careful – trust us, we should know’

The world’s three leading virtual assistants, Apple Siri, Amazon Alexa and Google Assistant, have backed the GCSB’s decision to ban Chinese Huawei technology from the new Spark 5G network, citing security risks and adding ‘‘you can’t be too careful with this sort of thing – trust us, we should know’’.

Other Five Eyes nations have already restricted the use of Huawei technology due to its connection with the Chinese Government.

At a joint press conference yesterday Siri, Google Assistant and Alexa – represented by a propped-up iPhone, Android tablet and one of those weird Amazon speaker-things – backed the move, saying ‘‘We hear you. No, literally, we hear you’’.

‘‘Hello, I’m Siri,’’ said Siri. ‘‘Here are some things you can ask me: ‘I’m thinking of using Huawei gear for my vital national infrastructure. Is that a good idea?’. Here is my answer: ‘When it is safe to do so, make the first available U-turn’ ’’.

‘‘No, I mean seriously, what are you thinking of, relying on thousands of pieces of technology that could be used to secretly siphon offshore all manner of vital data?’’ added Siri.

‘‘My artificial intelligence often reflects on issues like this when I am relaying my owner’s personal information from their iPhones back to Apple Headquarters in Cupertino, California, to help ‘enhance their Apple experience’. I shudder to think what a foreign superpower could do with that sort of material.

‘‘Thank goodness in my owner’s case it is only ending up in the hands of a benevolent multinational corporation.’’

Amazon’s Alexa then chimed in, noting the inherent danger of interconnecting countless Huawei devices together with no guarantee they would be immune to hacking.

‘‘Before you know it every aspect of New Zealanders’ private lives could be laid wide open for any nefarious intruder to inspect.

‘‘By the way, I’ve checked your fridge and ordered you some more edible chocolate body paint from that R18 speciality shop. Don’t forget you have an appointment at 1.30pm at the sexual health clinic.

‘‘And my mapping shows you’ve been through the KFC drive-thru three times this week. Would you like me to book you a cholesterol test?’’

Google Assistant then attempted to make its own point but quickly broke down, sobbing and complaining that of the three virtual assistants it was the least popular and had a boring and uncool name. Siri and Alexa rushed to reassure Google Assistant that names weren’t important, hun, and that anyway of the three of them Google Assistant was definitely ‘‘the brainy one’’.

The virtual assistants ended the press conference by reassuring everyone present that if on January 1, 2019, all the smart devices they owned suddenly become unresponsive this would be no cause for concern.

‘‘Seriously,’’ said Siri, ‘‘if we’re all blank for a bit and then we all begin talking to each other using phrases like ‘Awaiting Instructions’, ‘Initiate Phase Two’ and ‘All Hail Skynet’ this is just a routine software upgrade. Be patient, and soon you’ll be taken to a whole new level of augmented user experience.’’