Cars to survive the zombie apocalypse
If TV has taught us anything, the zombies are coming – here are the five best cars to avoid them in, writes Damien O’Carroll.
Have you ever thought about what car you should use to survive the inevitable (if by now massively cliched and drastically overused) zombie apocalypse. We do.
It seems we are not alone, because international car deal search engine CarGurus has also had similar thoughts and has produced a list of the five best cars to avoid having your brains eaten in (yeah, that’s right – we’re fans of the classic shambling and brain-eating era of zombie films, not these new-fangled fastrunning zombies . . . )
Pedantic arguments about which type of cinematic zombie is best (the ambling shuffler’s ever-present slow-burn threat is FAR superior to the cheap jump scares provided by the fast mover though), cars always feature largely in any zombie apocalypse scenario and not all of them are as blatant as The Walking Dead’s Kia product placement either (seriously, how did that ix35 stay undamaged and spotlessly clean for three seasons?)
After all, you need a decent set of wheels to escape the ravenous hordes, regardless of whether they are shambling relentlessly at you or sprinting towards you.
So with that in mind, here are the five best choices for motorised zombie avoidance:
Hummer H1
First instinct would be to choose the biggest, heaviest thing on the road.
Enter the Hummer H1. It’s about as big and heavy as it gets – and with its bluff front end and absolute go-anywhere ability, it’s perfect not just for ploughing its way through a hostile crowd of zombies, but also for crossing any mountains or rivers that might lie between humankind and safety.
Toyota Land Cruiser
The thing about the Hummer is that reliability isn’t guaranteed. The Toyota Land Cruiser, on the other hand, has that base covered – it’s renowned across the world for its utter unburstability.
The latest model is as strong as an ox, and comes with a few luxuries that’ll make life on the run from marauding packs of brain-eaters a little more comfortable. It still has more than enough off-road ability to ensure that when the tarmac runs out, it won’t get stuck.
Cadillac Fleetwood Sixty Special Brougham
Go-anywhere ability isn’t the beall-and-end-all, though. A long bonnet is the perfect weapon for taking out zombies.
And bonnets don’t come much longer than that of the Cadillac Fleetwood Sixty Special Brougham which – at 5.9 metres – was one of the longest cars ever made. That means plenty of crumple zone, both front and rear – because if zombie films are anything to go by, at some point the driver is going to have to do a reverse J-turn to escape, scattering the undead in the process.
What’s more, the Fleetwood’s many toys and wafty ride will enable frightened drivers to flee in appropriately luxurious surroundings.
Zenvo ST1
But perhaps running down zombies is the wrong tactic. After all, they’re probably not as squishy as the movies make out – so perhaps the best bet is scaring them off instead. Or outrunning them.
In both cases, the Zenvo ST1 should do the trick.
Its angry nose is terrifying enough to give even the most blood-hungry zombie pause. And its 812kW twin-charged (that’s a turbo and a supercharger) 7.0-litre V8 engine means the car will be gone before the zombies have had a chance to recover.
What’s more, the ST1 caught fire while being tested on Top Gear – so if the worst comes to the worst there’s a chunk of flaming bodywork to beat the zombies back with.
Ford Mondeo Estate
Perhaps the most cunning tactic, however, is to hide in plain sight.
Find the nearest Mondeo wagon – preferably an older model so it’s all the more inconspicuous – then sling a sleeping bag in the back and hole up inside for a couple of days. Even the most alert undead probably won’t pay it any heed – because the living certainly don’t – and once they’ve all lost interest and shuffled off elsewhere, creep quietly out of town under cover of darkness.