They’re just jealous of my hard-won success
Seven am: Get up. It’s an early start to a busy day for this hard-working Kiwi. 7.32 am: Take tax-deductible newspaper with tax-deductible coffee and taxdeductible toast to tax-deductible home office and read headlines.
7.41 am: More bad news from Taxcinda. After saying family home would not be taxed, she will impose CGT on home offices because they are presently tax-deductible. This is an attack on my Kiwi way of tax-deductible life.
7.50am: I help daughter Tess get ready for school in her bedroom/office while Sandra does hair in her bedroom/office and helps Jacob get ready in his bedroom/office. With four tax-deductible home offices in family home we will be gutted by CGT.
8.02am: Family breakfast in dining room/ business break-out space. I am a big believer in quality family time so play with kids in the rumpus room/conference centre.
8.42am: Drop kids at school and teacher reckons Jacob isn’t working hard enough. ‘‘Not hardworking enough?’’ I splutter. ‘‘I’ll have you know Jacob earned $80,000 last year for the family trust from his rental portfolio alone!’’ That shut her up.
10.30am: Morning tea – buy Josie from Accounts a tax-deductible coffee. She and husband rented our family bach once, so she is technically a client.
11.20am: Meet with accountant. Bad news. A 33 per cent CGT would greatly affect hard-working New Zealanders in the top, hard-working 10 per cent of hard-working incomes, especially those like me who worked hard to inherit 90 per cent of it from my hard-working parents when they sold the farm.
11.45am: ‘‘Mate,’’ says accountant gravely, ‘‘with CGT coming in, have you considered investing your money in more productive enterprises that would not only employ more people than your rental properties, but would lead to real growth in the economy.’’ I am appalled. ‘‘Mate, are you friggin’ serious?’’ He just stares at me for about 20 seconds, then cracks up. ‘‘Course not – but you must admit I had you worried for a bit. We’ll work out a way to deal with this CGT business, no problem.’’ Bit of a laugh, my accountant.
12.32 pm: Viewing at one of my rentals. It’s a shabby three-bedroom flat but every student in Wellington seems to want it. $720 a week last year but they’re all getting $50 a week more from Taxcinda now so that’s $870.
1.02pm: Three nice young students want the flat, but they can’t afford the rent. ‘‘You realise the lounge could also be a bedroom?’’ I say. Problem solved. I reckon a hammock in the kitchen and a bunk in the bathroom could be a goer, too.
2.05pm: Check out listings for my rentals. Family bach in Paraparaumu is going gang-busters on Airbnb. Almost as good as family bach in Takaka and family bach in Raglan. But this socialist government wants to destroy my Kiwi way of life. I would sell all baches immediately just to spite Taxcinda but my family hasn’t actually visited any of our family baches yet cos I only bought them a few months ago after I made a killing selling the last batch of family baches.
3.02pm: Pick up kids from school and take to park. Tess has finally taken the training wheels off her bike/company vehicle and Jacob is a whizz on his BMX/corporate transport. They are both loving school but fees go up next term. We had a little company meeting on the swings and they agreed to put up rentals on all properties owned by their family trust in order to afford new fees.
4.05pm: I’m trying to get things done at work with Josie from Accounts but bloody tenant rings up wondering when extractor fan and heat pump will be installed. I assure her they will be installed at least four hours before government regulations say they must. Bloody tenants. Bloody Government.
5.34pm: Sandra gets home, and all hell breaks loose. She was doing the accounts for my taxdeductible trip to do up the tax-deductible Raglan family bach, and she found the receipt for my taxdeductible dinner. Two meals and champagne? I told her I was very hungry, but she didn’t believe me. So I admitted I ran into Josie from Accounts and we just had a friendly meal. Sandra furious.
5.42pm: Tried to persuade Sandra there was nothing serious between Josie and I – we are both happily married – just friends with tax benefits. Sandra threatened to apply for full custody of kids. No problem, but I got really upset when Sandra threatened to break up the family trust – the sacred bond of Kiwi family life. Got so angry I put fist through wall of our entryway/tax-deductible corporate welcoming area.
9.42pm: Police were called and I am spending evening alone in cell as charges are pending. Nothing to read but magazine article on Tax Working Group findings. It is obvious that these losers have nothing good going on in their lives and are simply basing their recommendations on their envy and jealously of resilient, hard-working, happy, successful New Zealanders like me.
Three nice young students want the flat, but they can’t afford the rent. ‘You realise the lounge could also bea bedroom?’ I say.