Helping children to process tragedy
Iam writing this at 2pm on Friday. A week on from the Christchurch mosque killings. I observed the 2 minutes silence and incredibly moving call to prayer amongst a crowd of strangers. I sobbed, as quietly as I could, but it felt as though a week’s worth of tears could finally come.
I have spent the last seven days oscillating between utter grief, horror, outrage, anger, fear and pride, and have really struggled, as I suspect most people have, to process why such an incredible atrocity should happen here, in our peace-loving country, to such gentle, peaceful, humble people.
It strikes me as I write that if we, as adults, are struggling to deal with this, then how does it feel for our children? How can they begin to make sense of the senseless – to read and see images of people their own age, whose lives should just have been beginning, but instead have been cut short?
To witness, either first-hand or via the media, the grief of families and loved ones whose lives have been forever altered by this event.
There is no easy answer to this, but whoever you are I urge you to look after the young people in your life – whether you are a grandparent, a parent, a teacher or friend, let them know you are there for them, any time that they need you, and in whatever way.
Acknowledge their grief, fear and sadness, and remember that it’s OK to acknowledge and show your own emotions too.
Hold them close, and if that’s not physically possible, then hold them close remotely – touch base, get together when you can, check in more than you usually would. You may be the secure ‘‘rock’’ they need to anchor themselves to in the coming weeks.
Kids will process tragedies such as this one differently to adults. How and when they do this will depend on many things, including their past experience of trauma and grief, and their developmental stage.
Younger children may struggle to sleep or eat, be clingier than normal, ‘‘act out’’, or create conflict with their siblings or peers. They may be anxious or tearful, and find going to school or kindy much harder than usual.
Slightly older children may want to mimic the event in play, which can be really distressing to observe but is a normal response. You may notice your child’s school work or chores are undone, and they want to spend more, or less, time with their friends than usual.
All of these responses are normal, and checking in with your child when you notice these behaviours may be all that is needed to reassure them.
For teens, reactions can be quite different – they are already at a stage where they are seeking independence, and often pushing away those closest to them in favour of their peers. They may do this even more at times like this, even though inside they may want the reassurance of being closer.
They may use alcohol, drugs or other risky behaviours to try to numb difficult emotions. Some will ruminate a lot on the events, leading to persistent anxiety, panic and fear for their own (or their family’s) future.
Suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self-harm are common in this age-group, so if your teen is becoming more withdrawn than usual, or expresses any thoughts that are concerning, take them seriously – a traumatic event of this nature can feel very personal to us all, but can feel even more so to a vulnerable young person who may already be struggling to make sense of the world.
There is certainly no ‘‘one size fits all’’ approach to supporting children at times like this, but there are some basic things that can help:
Be available
There is no ‘‘right time’’ that children will want, or be able, to talk about this. So the more available you can be, the more likely you are to be around when the time is right for them.
Let them bring the topic up if you can, or find an appropriate opening when you know you have enough time to thoughtfully and properly deal with any questions they have. When they do have questions, answer them as honestly as you can, but in the right context for their age – this may mean having separate conversations with older kids, who will need a different level of detail than younger ones.
Keep to your normal routines
Kids, especially younger ones, find it really reassuring to know that the daily rhythm of life is continuing as it should. This will make them feel safe, which is incredibly important at a time like this. Try to stick to your usual bedtimes, mealtimes, bathtimes, stories and so on – kids that are hungry and tired will find coping with trauma much harder, and the same goes for adults so make time to ensure that you are eating and resting enough as well.
Limit exposure to trauma
Being exposed to lots of media coverage of traumatic events (let alone actually seeing them unfold in real-time as was the case for thousands of people who saw the film of the shootings), can definitely compound the effects, especially on children. It is important to know what has happened and to keep up to date with events, but switching off the television or radio, putting down the newspaper, and doing something totally unrelated for a while is a good way to reduce the impact on you and your kids. If your kids did see the footage, ask them about it and check how they are feeling – don’t judge them, but strongly encourage them to not watch it again.
Focus on the positives
In all the horror of the last week, there really have been some extraordinary displays of love, bravery, hope and resilience. The multitudes of flowers and messages at mosques all around the country; the donations of money, food and other supports; the ‘‘coming together’’ in huge numbers for memorials and prayers; the incredible and ongoing efforts of doctors, nurses, police, paramedics and others; the growing understanding of what diversity means and how it enriches our lives.
For me, and hopefully for those directly affected, these gestures all help, and give me hope that we will recover. If your children are struggling to make sense of it all, reminding them, and showing them, that there is good out there, can be really helpful.
Enable them to ‘‘give back’’
Children will want to help in this situation, just as much as we do. But that needs to be on their terms, and in a way that they understand. Ask them what they’d like to do – you could do a memorial ‘‘service’’ at home, light a candle, and let them say a few words, or they could do a bake stall or runa-thon with friends to raise money for the families. It doesn’t have to be huge, but supporting them to do something positive is a great way to start healing.
Keep busy
We all tend to ruminate more when we have too much time on our hands. It’s important not to fill every minute of the day, and allow time for contemplation, but if you are worried your kids are dwelling on things too much, get them out and about – a trip to the park, a movie, or some ‘‘normal’’ time with their friends, could give them a much-needed break.
Lastly, be patient and go easy
On them and on yourself. There is no ‘‘right time’’ to feel better, and you may find that you or your child are still thinking about these events intermittently in months or even years to come. This is fine and healthy, as long as it’s not interfering with functioning. If things don’t feel easier with time, seek professional help – there are a multitude of options out there, but your GP or the school guidance counsellor would be a good place to start.
For immediate 24/7 support, text or call 1737. Trained support workers will be able to put you in touch with local agencies if needed.