The perfect uni, if only students can find it

Ihave been heartened to see that Wellington’s Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, has been engaged in a ‘‘brand refresh’’ in order to attract more overseas students. After being cruelly overruled by Education Minister Chris Hipkins over a name change, Wellington University That’s In Wellington has looked at small incremental branding changes.

Some have called such moves ‘‘rebranding by stealth’’ but, as Vice-Chancellor Grant Guilford stealthily points out, ‘‘stealthy branding would be an oxymoron’’. Not only is it an oxymoron but a Cambridge-moron as well.

Wellington’s Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, is the perfect tertiary education facility for overseas students, if only they knew where Wellington actually was.

We have many excellent cultural facilities, including a beautiful old Town Hall (closed since 2013), the St James Theatre (closed for earthquake strengthening), a welcoming Central Library (closed indefinitely) with its own Clarks Cafe serving superb coffee (closed indefinitely).

Wellington’s Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, campus is just a short gentle walk from the CBD – if you were born in a Nepalese trekking village. Or you could ride an e-scooter up the lowgradient Dixon St steps then carefully park it on a busy street. Or you could buy yourself a 27-speed mountain-bike and a very good lock.

Then again, you might like to wait for the bus in one of our recently completed/nearly completed/ only just started/not even designed yet bus hubs that will transport you to outside the door of your lecture. What better way to get to uni than reading a chapter of War and Peace while you wait for your bus? You might even finish the whole novel.

If buses aren’t your thing, you can catch the cable car to Wellington’s University That’s In Wellington. With Metlink levels of service at cruise ship prices, the cable car will drop you just a hop, skip, jump and 500-metre trudge from your lecture.

Wellington’s Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, is a fantastic institution with a senior management team second to none. Each week some of them jet in from around the country and set about making the university one of which we can all be truly proud.

Wellington’s university students of Wellington are super-friendly. You will love sitting on one of the library’s seven floors hearing them discuss the weekend’s social events and sports results, dispensing fashion and relationship advice, and interacting with their phones. And if you want to do some serious study there are one or two small quiet areas which have a few books. Stay long enough and you may even see a librarian.

If you need accommodation, then Wellington’s University That’s In Wellington has many excellent hostels. Sit in your hostel room at Katharine Jermyn Hall or Te Puni Village on a Friday night and you’ll hear students vociferously arguing as they amble to the Southern Cross study facility over whether Frame or Sargeson made the biggest contribution to New Zealand literature.

Later, you’ll hear them singing Wellington’s Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington’s official hymn – ‘‘Victoria, What Do You Want From Him, Want from Him?’’ Even later you’ll hear some students dry-retching with nervousness about Monday’s test or jumping up and down on their bed with delight at an A-plus they recently received for an assignment.

If you want to live off campus – no problem. Wellington has many flats for rent at a reasonable price. Your arrival time in Wellington of late January is a great time to find one. And if anything goes wrong just ring your friendly landlord at any time. They’ll be over quick smart to fix it.

If business is your thing, why not study at Wellington Business School of Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, Te Herenga Waka, formerly known as Victoria Business School of Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, Te Whare Wa¯ nanga o te Upoko o te Ika a Ma¯ u¯ i?

Here you’ll learn important business basics such as keeping communication concise and not being distracted by irrelevant branding issues.

If you live outside New Zealand just get in touch with Wellington International School of Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, Te Herenga Waka formerly known as Victoria International of Victoria University of Wellington, Wellington, Te Whare Wa¯ nanga o te Upoko o te Ika a Ma¯ u¯ i.

Even at an excellent institution like The University That’s In Wellington, study in a foreign country can be stressful. If you have mental health issues you can just make a request and it’s highly likely you’ll be able to talk to a counsellor quite early – in the next academic year.

In the 19th century, during the reign of Queen University of Wellington, the New Zealand Company commissioned landscape paintings of Wellington, complete with tropical vegetation, which weren’t entirely accurate. They did this to attract much-needed settlers to the cold, barren, earthquakey pioneer town.

I can think of no better paintings to adorn the swish lobbies and mezzanines of the renamed Wellington Business School.

You’ll learn important business basics such as ... not being distracted by irrelevant branding issues.