Suzie’s story of survival
At age 23, Suzie Harris was placed under the Mental Health Act. Now, she is opening an art exhibition documenting her journey for Mental Health Awareness Week. Tommy Livingston reports.
Hope looks like Suzie Harris. Seven years ago, she stood on Wellington’s Mt Victoria desperate to end her life. Today, she will fulfil a dream when she opens an art exhibition celebrating her mental health journey.
‘‘To think 10 years ago I would be where I am now, it would have been unthinkable.’’
As a child, life seemed a lot harder for Harris. She thought it was normal to intentionally put herself in harm’s way, and found comfort in getting hurt.
That escalated as a teenager when she began to self-harm. ‘‘If I was pushed at school or something similar, I would put my hand up my sleeve and feel the cuts on my skin and think: I can hurt myself more than they can.’’
Harris kept her struggles hidden, only once gaining the attention of adults.
When she moved to Wellington to study psychology, she hoped the course material would provide some answers. Instead, it sent her into a spiral.
Weeks into her course, she made an attempt to end her life. She survived but what followed was a deadly pattern of self-harming and constant visits to hospital.
She dropped out of university, feeling largely defeated by the illness. ‘‘I went on full destruction mode.’’
A stay at a residential mental health unit was the first major step in her recovery. However, when she left life hit her hard.
Harris’ self-harming worsened and she had to have operations to repair the tendons in her arms.
She was drowning and nobody could save her. Her family, friends and church community tried but Harris was slowly slipping away.
In 2010, aged 23, she admitted to to Te Whare o Matairangi – Wellington Hospital’s secure mental health ward – under the Mental Health Act.
She was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder. ‘‘I remember ... hearing people banging and crying, saying ‘please let me out’. Sometimes it was me crying.’’
Her first admission lasted seven months. Each day revolved around taking medication three times. Each dose would come with water in a new polystyrene cup.
The cups, Harris thought, were a waste, so she began to collect them. ‘‘It was terrible for the environment. They kept coming in with more and more. To anyone else, they looked like rubbish – but for me, that was a day I got through. Each cup was a day I survived.’’
For three years, she went in and out of the ward. Two steps forward, one step back. Each time collecting her medicine cups and anything else that reminded her of the journey.
In 2012, while waiting to go to a residential therapy centre in Golden Bay, Harris decided to end things.
She walked up Mt Victoria with a plan to end her life. ‘‘I felt like my soul was dead. I can’t describe that level of pain.’’
But while overlooking the city, light began to break through. ‘‘I thought I am so sick of this. I don’t know if I can get better, or what better looks like, but it has to be better than this. I knew in that moment I was going to fight.
‘‘I changed my mind and walked down the hill and into the emergency department.’’ It was Harris’ last overdose. The following year, she spent at the residential centre where she learnt ‘‘life was more than hospital and stitches’’.
‘‘Things all got better from there. I needed a dream bigger than my pain.’’
Seven years on, at age 32, Harris works supporting others going through mental distress, using her experiences to offer hope.
All the things she thought she would never have, have become hers. She credits her recovery to therapy, her Christian faith and strong support network.
‘‘I am healthy and happy. I am no longer on medication. People do recover.’’
Tonight she opens her exhibition Monuments Of Hope. Much of the art is created out of old bandages, gowns, blankets, notes and cups she kept from her hospital stays.
Each piece is a reminder of a day she survived. ‘‘I want to show people what the journey of recovery looks like. We hear about the people who die from mental distress but what about the thousands of others who get through it?
‘‘I hope I am a good story. If I can do it, other people can too.’’
Monuments Of Hope will be open to the public from September 24-27 at Thistle Hall, Cuba St. Some people may find the content triggering.