Zoo retreat: alpha male displays and loud fights
Allegations that Wellington City Council is dysfunctional and unable to work together are entirely untrue if a secret teambuilding session held for councillors last weekend is anything to go by. As a result of recent tensions over the library building privatisation, the independent review, and numerous complaints to the auditor-general, council leaders decided to have a two-day teambuilding retreat to focus on inclusion and teamwork. Unfortunately, only seven councillors close to the mayor were invited, as he worried details of the weekend would be leaked, so the other eight had to be rounded up via social media.
For the venue, Mayor Foster recommended a cool place near Queenstown that only charged $30,000. Councillors were enthusiastic until they discovered the $30,000 was per person, not the total cost.
Councillors Matthews and Paul suggested they rent an inner-city venue. It was not just convenient but would open councillors’ eyes to the problems faced by renters. Councillors Young and Pannett suggested a nice heritage Victorian villa that wouldn’t have six-storey apartments ruining the view. Mayor Foster suggested pitching a tent at Shelly Bay. Councillor Sparrow suggested holding the retreat in Tawa and everyone just laughed.
After much discussion, it was decided to save money by renting a council facility. Zoo board member Councillor Fitzsimons managed to book an empty room at the zoo next to the chimpanzee enclosure. This was agreed unanimously, although there were complaints about the constant screeching, alpha male displays, loud fights, throwing of food and baring of buttocks. However, Fitzsimons assured the chimpanzees that the councillors would be there only a couple of days.
A suitable private team-building company was hired that came with stellar credentials of working with both the Tauranga and Invercargill city councils. The first activity was a trust exercise. Each councillor stood in the centre of a circle and fell backwards. Despite early misgivings, the exercise worked brilliantly, with all councillors successfully ‘‘saving’’ each other. However, when Mayor Foster had his turn, the Covid alert signal sounded on everyone’s cellphones and they dashed to their bags to see what on earth was going on.
Thankfully, Foster sustained no injuries except a bump to the head. Once he regained consciousness, he suggested selling all the odd-numbered seats in the Michael Fowler Centre to the private sector to raise much-needed council funds. Concertgoers would rent the seats back from the private owners as part of their ticket price. Various councillors described his idea as ‘‘hare-brained’’, ‘‘neo-liberal gone mad’’, ‘‘deeply confusing’’ and ‘‘incomprehensible’’. And that was just from the nine councillors who voted in favour.
The next activity saw councillors draw a mural of an animal that they considered best represented the council. A two-headed llama pulling in opposite directions, a nest of vipers and an elephant riding a Flamingo scooter were among the most colourful creations.
Next, it was decided to embark on a physical team-building activity outdoors. Councillor Sean Rush suggested Go-Karts. It would be fast, exciting and lots of fun when councillors could sneak up on each other and bang them in the rear, causing them to crash. Though councillors agreed that this was a perfect metaphor for the council, this activity did not sit well with the council’s recent motion to declare a climate change emergency.
Instead, they all caught a smoky diesel bus to the waterfront, mingled with hundreds of people at the Harbourside Markets then rode Crocodile bikes. The Green councillors said they believed that having to pedal and steer a Crocodile bike together was a brilliant activity to build trust and empathy, although the three Greens asked that they not have to all be on the same bike.
The ride went extremely well. Councillors who disagree on every issue found they could work together and in the same direction. Unfortunately, while one team was riding towards Oriental Bay, a water pipe exploded, hurtling them into the harbour, along with 4.5 tonnes of raw sewage. The council immediately convened and after 11 hours of deliberation agreed, by an 8-7 vote, to send out a rescue craft to fetch the waterlogged councillors.
For dinner that night, rather than employ caterers, the cost-cutting councillors decided to get takeaway burgers. Unfortunately, the mayor had promised the Wellington Chinese community days before that the councillors would be buying yum cha so a complaint to the auditor-general followed.
Overall, the councillors unanimously declared the weekend a great success and all agreed that another team-building weekend would be greatly beneficial. As a result, the mayor called for a review. He assured councillors that the reviewers he chose would be free and fair, although that was a slight mistake, they were in fact Free and Calvert.
Following a complaint to the auditor-general, a new panel of prominent Wellingtonians to undertake the review into team-building weekends – including three former mayors, four property developers and Mittens – is being interviewed.
The next activity saw councillors draw a mural of an animal that they considered best represented the council.