The selfless life of a mum

Motherhood brings many things, from the greatest highs to the greatest lows, but mostly it’s about sacrifice, says Emily Brookes.

Type “motherhood is...” into your search engine and soon after a host of results for a current meme that puts the words “a walk in the park” over the Jurassic Park logo, you’ll hit the word “sacrifice”. Motherhood is sacrifice. It sounds noble, doesn’t it? Righteous. In a religious sense, to sacrifice is to give up something vital to make oneself more holy.

Applied to this secular context, the implication is that the more a mother gives up, the better a mother she is. This assumption is ingrained and completely accepted. Working mothers accept that their annual leave won’t cover school holidays. Stay-at-home mothers accept that they won’t get any breaks. We don’t dare admit that we enjoy working outside the home, just as we don’t dare admit that sometimes (even a lot of the time) we find parenting tremendously difficult.

Motherhood is sacrifice, so employment, rest, personal satisfaction, even mental and physical health must all take a back seat.

Because motherhood is sacrifice.

Put like that, it sounds ludicrous. But it’s a bedrock of our society. As soon as a woman has children, she is expected to put herself, and everything and everyone else, second (or third, fourth or fifth) to them.

Every mother has seen this deeply-held belief played out in her life.

It’s what is behind the raised eyebrows when she puts her baby into daycare so she can go back to work, and it’s the reason she stayed up late the night before to pack lunch boxes and lay out clothes.

It’s why a father looking after his own children is referred to as the “babysitter”, and why the hour he spends with them while his partner gets her hair cut is referred to as “me time” – we don’t call the rest of it “everyone else time” although, for a mother, that’s what it is.

Every non-mother has seen it, too.

It’s why Boris Johnson could have a baby during his prime ministerial term without generating much more than a congratulatory headline, but when Jacinda

Ardern did the same thing it caused international questioning of her ability to be a parent and a prime minister.

It’s why, recently, a quote-unquote parenting “expert” felt completely comfortable using a national platform to tell women who felt they needed a break before their child turned two to “suck it up”.

Motherhood is sacrifice, so a new mother’s mental wellbeing comes second (at least) to her child.

Lord, to continue our religious theme, what a terrible message.

Mothers, of course, were humans first. And now – when the average age for giving birth in New Zealand is over 30 – they have often been adult humans for a considerable time, adult humans with hobbies, friends, jobs, pleasures, and ambitions.

There’s no reason why they should stop having any of these once they have children, or indeed why these things should decrease in importance – except, of course, for societal expectation.

That expectation makes mothers, especially new mothers, ashamed of admitting they are anything less than blissfully happy and fulfilled. It contributes to maternal anxiety and depression. It takes women away from their partners and friends, and it makes them feel that once they have children, their value in the rest of society – as an employee, an entrepreneur, or a politician – is degraded.

They’re right about that.

Having kids is a big deal, sure. It changes a woman’s life immeasurably. (It changes a man’s life immeasurably, too, but we don’t expect fathers to sacrifice. They don’t have to give up anything when they have children. Women, it sometimes feels, are expected to give up everything.)

But to say something changes your life doesn’t mean it has to take over your whole life, and there’s certainly no reason why giving up everything else should make you a better mother.

In fact, it’s the opposite. Mothers are better mothers, and better people, when they are multifaceted adults who happen to have children.

When it comes to motherhood, there’s nothing noble about sacrifice.

Mothers are better mothers, and better people, when they are multifaceted adults who happen to have children.