Heartbreak and care

It’s hard on everyone when someone you love can no longer take care of themselves. Natasha Kesseler looks at how to deal with feelings of loss when a loved one requires fulltime care.

As our beloved Baby Boomers move into the later years of life, their children, the Generation Xs, Ys and some Millennials, may be faced with raising their children while also supporting their parents through health decline.

It is certainly not an easy life transition – for the parent or the child. In some cases, a child may feel like they are taking on another parenting role. When a person deteriorates past the point where they can look after themselves and requires care, there are many challenges the individual and family supporters may experience.

Entrusting someone else to look after your family member is never an easy decision. The process of adapting and accepting this life change can require a broad, flexible and supportive approach. There is a sense of loss that individuals going into care experience, and there is certainly loss for the family as adjustments are made.

Some may feel a loss of independence, perception of self, time, freedom, things, or have a longing for their old life. No longer visiting your loved one in the family home can be an adjustment in itself. When my mum moved into care, it didn’t matter how many flowers or pieces of furniture I moved in for her, it still didn’t feel like home to me or her.

DIFFERENT WAYS TO COPE

It can be useful to know we all cope differently. Some like to do things and keep busy while not talking about their feelings, and others may like to talk. There is no right or wrong way to process the loss. But if you are supporting someone through this change, if they want to talk, listen. If they don’t, don’t force them to. Remember you don’t need to fix how they are feeling, but a listening ear is helpful.

EMOTIONAL SURPRISES

Feelings of loss can be triggered by something we weren’t expecting. The emotional rollercoaster of the change can feel raw, the feelings of loss can come in waves, and can be triggered unexpectedly. If emotion does surface, it’s OK to feel the way you are feeling.

A NEW KIND OF JUGGLE

Choosing how to allocate your time between work, managing the school runs, visiting your loved one at a rest home, and doing other household duties can seem more than enough for one person in a day.

The emotion triggered by the change, and the feelings of loss on top of juggling the daily routine can be hard. At times you may feel guilt, sadness and anger all rolled into one.

Fundamentally, if you are raising young children and supporting your parents while working, it’s hard to balance your time and wellbeing.

THESE TIPS MAY HELP:

1. Gather information about the support your loved one receives during the time you are not there. This can be useful in easing your worries. Having information about the activities, and medical, social, and psychological support available can provide comfort to the supporters.

2. Talk to someone (if you feel like talking). If you are worried and need help processing this change, talking it through can help. Speak to a counsellor or someone outside the family to discuss your feelings. This can provide a platform to help make sense of this life transition. Having the opportunity to talk can be helpful for the person in care, as well as for the supporters, as they too have emotional and practical adjustments to endure.

3. Exercise in small doses. To keep those endorphins firing, and enable you to have the strength to cope with balancing your needs, your parents’, and your children’s needs, exercise has been shown to improve our mental health. So keep the body moving in small, incremental ways, and prioritise a bit of movement. You will find your parent in care will have scheduled daily exercise because of the benefits it provides to our wellbeing. So, remember to schedule some for yourself.

4. Respect people’s reaction to loss. Trying to tell someone you know how it feels or how they should feel is not my recommendation. Feelings associated with loss can be very personal, and I wouldn’t want to engage in giving any specific advice without knowing your story. However, it is important to note that loss and later grief is an individual experience.

5. Reach out. If you know someone who is managing this difficult life transition, reach out and offer to talk and listen. See if there is anything practical you may be able to do to help them. Invite them for a walk. Offer to babysit. Go with them to visit their family member. Often, if you are the one in the middle of juggling this tricky life stage, it can be hard to put your hand up to ask for help. For those of us who are feeling well, and able to support others, giving a friend a quick call to check in, or dropping off a prepared meal, can be helpful in ways you may not realise.

The thing that strikes me most about this type of life experience is similar to what people say when you are having a child: that nothing really prepares you for it.

Each person’s journey can be quite different. One thing that is clear is that having support for yourself through this time is of utmost importance. It requires time, support, and good self-care.

If you are struggling and need help you can speak to a free counsellor by calling 1737, or talk to your GP.

Natasha Kesseler is a registered consultant psychologist (New Zealand and Australia) at Achievement Syndrome.

There is no right or wrong way to process the loss.