Man-of-the-people lays out his bold vision
MNational is a broad church. It’s just that in last few years we’ve been Broadchurch
onday, November 29, 3pm – This leadership contest is really hotting up. My people say I have slight edge as Judith’s supporters swing behind me. Praise the Lord! Paul Goldsmith reckons I’ve got 19 votes to Simon’s 16, which is interesting as there are only 33 National MPs.
Monday, November 29, 5pm – It’s all over. Simon reckons he doesn’t have numbers. I suggest Finance if he doesn’t stand. He agrees and suggests we both say no deal was made. It’s a deal. I talk to the Almighty, and JK reckons I’ve got great chance to bring National back.
Tuesday, November 30, 11am – Leadership change is very amicable. Nicola Willis will make a great deputy. She belongs to liberal wing of party which believes women should have right to choose over abortion. I belong to religious wing that believes abortion is tantamount to murder.
Tuesday, November 30, 1pm – Caucus ends, and I emerge triumphant. I hire black Merc to do the few hundred metres from apartment to Parliament. Media has a go as it’s hardly man-ofthe-people stuff. Don’t tell them I was thinking of hiring a Rolls.
Tuesday, November 30, 2pm – First press conference as leader goes well. But why are these left-wing journos so obsessed with my seven properties? I’m just a Mum and Dad investor who worked hard. I call new regime a ‘‘reset’’. Let’s be honest, if I had a laptop as dodgy as National over last few years, I wouldn’t just reset. I’d throw the bloody thing away.
Tuesday, November 30, 4pm – Nicola and I complement each other so well. With my seven properties, I’m from the wealthier corporate wing of the party while Nicola’s from the more struggler proletarian wing, as she only owns four.
Wednesday, December 1, 10am – Now the media are worrying about my religious beliefs. Give me a break! As I’ve said repeatedly, National is a broad church. It’s just that in last few years we’ve been Broadchurch, with bodies buried in the beach, stabbed backs and mortal blows.
I’m not in the job for personal gain but for reward in the hereafter – ambassador to US or chair of ANZ board might be nice.
Wednesday, December 1, 1pm – Have quick chat with the Almighty. JK impressed but reckons my pronunciation could do with work. I said ‘‘New Zealand’’ at least three times in presser not ‘‘New Zilland’’. And it’s ‘‘yeah nah’’, never ‘‘nah yeah’’.
Thursday, December 2, 8am – Will everyone relax about the seven properties? Stuff and Herald having field day. I totally understand challenges that everyday Kiwis face. I’m a renter as well. Okay, I’m my own landlord, so inspections are pretty cool, but I have to pay rent on due date like every other renter, it’s just that every other renter doesn’t then get generously reimbursed by Parliamentary Service. I’m totally open to more controls on super-rich – people who own, say, eight or more properties.
Thursday, December 2, 3pm – I finally get chance to express my vision. Use ‘‘bring the tide back in and lift all boats’’ analogy to ensure everyone is better off, but that only leads to embarrassing climate change questions about sea level rise. That reminds me, should think about flipping properties 4 and 5 as they’re coastal, and insurance could be tricky.
Friday, December 3, 1pm – Walk around Viaduct Basin and see real hardship with restaurants less than full capacity. This traffic light system is ridiculous. Open everything up, and we’ll be up there with US and UK. Sure, they have a Covid death rate of over 2000 per million people, and we have nine, but people in New York, London, Edinburgh and other favourite Air NZ destinations don’t have to put up with a pesky lockdown (or Loch Doon as they say in Edinburgh) that hurts businesses.
Saturday, December 4, 7pm – Great news! Collins is standing for the Auckland mayoralty! Praise the Lord! Private secretary calls to say it’s Efeso Collins, not Judith Collins. Bugger.
Sunday, December 5 – Up at 7am to whip over to House No 3 and replace smoke alarm batteries and House No 4 to mow the lawns. That’s what good old Mum and Dad landlords do.
Monday, December 6, 10am – Reshuffle of shadow responsibilities going well. Only problem is Judith. Too much responsibility and others could get jealous. Too little and she’ll get bored and might play with matches.
Throw her science, tech and innovation and hope she won’t innovate a coup.
Monday, December 6, 1pm – Announce exciting new-look team. Looking forward to turning New Zealand into competitive yet compassionate society where everyone respects each other. Sort of like a giant Koru Club, where you can leave your laptop at the desk while you get your tepid chilli con carne, and not have to worry about it being nicked or co-governed.