BE KIND to yourself
The feelings and emotions felt when we lose someone are am li ed distan e and the andemi es e iall at hristmas a time for famil and lo ed ones writes
Sean* spoke his final words to his mum through an iPad. He’s not sure how they landed. She didn’t reply. Covid’s border and travel restrictions meant he couldn’t travel to Ireland to see her before she died. He watched her tiny funeral via livestream.
“In normal times I would have had time to get there and see her while she was still quite well. I feel ripped off, and bad I wasn’t there for her,” he said.
Sean is typical of many who will carry their long-distance grief into Christmas this year.
Losing someone close is difficult at any time, but when the ending is thwarted, when people can’t own a piece of it – like travelling to see a loved one, holding their hand in their final days, giving them a fitting funeral or tangi – the emotional wounds can run deeper.
Like most therapists, I have heard plenty of stories like Sean’s this year, of families desperate to be with a dying loved one, or to share their grief, but held back by pandemic restrictions. There has been a lot of frustration, anger, bitterness and resentment. Sadness, helplessness and guilt are also common.
How grief plays out
There is no blueprint for dealing with grief. Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth KublerRoss suggested people go through five stages when a loved one dies: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
But while such roadmaps can help, grief can’t be neatly packaged. Responses can depend on a person’s resilience, support systems and current stress levels.
Sudden death has particular challenges because of the shock factor. There’s no time to say goodbye.
The relationship you had with the person you have lost can be a significant influence. It is commonly believed the closer you were, the more the loss will hurt.
However, a poor or damaged relationship can trigger huge grief because the chance to mend fences (or get an apology) is gone.
The symptoms of grief look a lot like mild-tomoderate depression – tears, anger, fatigue, sleep problems, anxiety, appetite and weight changes, and feeling flat, unmotivated and lost.
The first rush of emotion can be overwhelming but some people shut down. They are just not ready to grieve at the time.
I have had many clients in therapy say “I never dealt with the death of my dad/mum/brother”. Years later, the tears will flow.
Most symptoms will ease in time but, when left to fester, grief can morph into depression. It can also return in waves, catching you off guard.
Reminders, such as a birthday or anniversary, a milestone such as getting married or having a baby, a familiar song, or seeing other families together, can trigger unexpected emotion. Christmas can be one of those times.
It is normal to struggle emotionally with loss. It is helpful to be aware of, and able to name, what you’re feeling, and to have healthy ways of expressing them.
Here are some tips to help you through the holiday season.
It’s OK to hurt
Grief isn’t about “getting over” or “dealing with” loss. It’s about making space for it, learning to live alongside it. It will be hard at certain times and that’s OK. There are no rules: The third anniversary doesn’t have to be better than the first.
Mark your loved one’s presence
Have them with you in a small way. A special Christmas decoration, make their favourite food, play music they enjoyed, go to a place that was special to them. It can be an easy way to express your feelings.
New traditions are OK, and can be better
Often the loss of a loved one means a change in family traditions. It’s not disrespectful to create new ways of doing things. It may be helpful to make a change that is more relevant to your life today.
Family is not always the best support
You need support, but be mindful about who you choose. Your whānau may be lost in their own grief, or there may be conflict between you. Avoid isolating yourself, seek comfort from those who are best placed to help and, if family relationships are strained, keep boundaries around them.
You are allowed to have fun
Losing someone doesn’t have to be all suffering. It is OK, and healthy, to have fun, alongside your grief. And, if you had a good relationship with the person you have lost, that is what they would want for you.
Say what you need to say now
Acknowledge others’ grief when you know it is tough for them. And, if you are with people you love this holiday season, say the things you need or want to say. Be warm. Express love. Mend fences, if you need to. Say what is in your heart while your people are there to hear you.
*Name and identifying details have been changed. Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist based in Wellington
Losing someone doesn’t have to be all suffering. It is OK, and healthy, to have fun.