IT'S YOUR B I R T H D AY
Birthdays are not for everyone. It’s your day and you can cry if you want to, writes Karen Nimmo.
‘Iwake up on my birthday and just want to cry,’’ my client said. Not just this year, she explained. Every year. ‘‘I’m not bothered about getting older and I have friends to celebrate with. And I have young kids now – they inject a bit of joy into the day.
‘‘But I always get this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I can’t help thinking about the people missing from my life. My dad is in Australia, [and] my mum died a few years ago. I can’t seem to shake the sadness. Is there anything I can do? I’d love to be able to relax and enjoy my birthday.’’
My client had a marked case of the birthday blues. Some call it birthday depression, but the symptoms don’t meet the criteria for a clinical syndrome or disorder. While the emotions can be intense, they usually pass quickly and, a day or two later, it is back to the business of life as usual.
As a therapist I have had clients say their birthdays are tough for them. They may feel sad, gloomy or just want to hide from it. They will want to know how best to cope, to ‘‘get through’’ the day.
It is not just birthdays that trigger such an emotional response. Any events that remind us of difficulties or deficits in our lives can do the same – think weddings, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, holidays, anniversaries and other significant dates, as can events (or people) that remind us of past trauma.
When it comes to the birthday blues, people will usually begin to struggle a few days out.
It may start with a rumbling anxiety that turns into sadness, and often disappointment, on the day. Even though they didn’t want a fuss made, they will feel a sense of anti-climax when the day passes like most others.
For those approaching a milestone birthday, the anxiety can start long before the day because they are aware of others’ expectations of them. They know they are supposed to celebrate in style – throw a party or do something outrageous – not just to slink home and hide under a blanket until the day passes.
Why the blues strike
So what is behind these feelings? There is little research in this area, but client stories suggest a link to negative birthday experiences in the past – perhaps a loss they experienced, someone important who was missing, or their birthday coincided with a period of family distress or a traumatic event.
It may also be that their birthday was neglected or ignored, so they view the day as something hurtful.
Without being aware of it, they may feel like they don’t deserve a celebration or to have a fuss made over them.
Sometimes these blues don’t have their origins in the past. It may just be that birthdays are significant personal dates. So it is a time to reflect, not just on your history, but on where you are at in your life – and with whom. Perhaps it is a realisation you are not where you thought you would be at this age and stage? Perhaps there are thoughts of regrets and failure? Of loss or what might have been?
Social media can exacerbate these feelings. It lures us into making comparisons. When you see images of others having fun, celebrating, travelling, being spoilt by their partners and families, turning their special day into a whole week, it can trigger distressing feelings.