Men want to understand menopause too
Every year around International Women’s Day (IWD) more than one person proposes that every day should be IWD. Someone else suggests IWD is sexist, until someone else points out there is an awareness day for men too. Someone else reckons women should take the day off to make up for everything they do for free on the other 364 days of the year. In some circles, International Women’s Day is a case of Us vs Them.
With several waves of feminism behind us and an increasingly divisive world ahead, can’t we focus on what’s possible together instead of what’s impossible apart? No movement for change can gain the momentum it needs if it’s only embraced by those it set out to support. Real change happens when people speak up, step up, and act. Together.
In 2019, I landed in perimenopause without knowing what that meant. Every aspect of my health was impacted in a significant way for too many months. I’ve since become an advocate for the cause and started a campaign for change.
International Women’s Day’s theme for 2024 is “inspire inclusion”. Inclusion of women, of course. And I’d say inclusion of men too, when it comes to having conversations and taking action to achieve equal pay for women, equal opportunities, respectful and safe relationships, and equal investment into research and support for women’s health and wellbeing through every stage of life. Men need to be included in conversations about menopause too.
The patriarchy has a lot to answer for, but not all men are subscribers. Many men are already allies for women – they can see that equality and equity benefits everyone.
In my mahi raising awareness of menopause/ruahinetanga in workplaces and communities across Aotearoa, I see the need for inclusion every day. I’ve talked to men from all walks of life. Farmers, quiz masters, chief executives, furniture makers, colonels, counsellors, creatives, bus drivers, builders, pilots, people working in government agencies, businesses, not-for-profits…They’ve all wanted to learn about menopause, and say and do the right thing by the women in their lives, even if they haven’t always known how.
I remember the man, 50+, who said he had separated from his partner some years ago. As he listened to me talk at a “lunch and learn” session in his workplace, he wondered if they might still be together if he’d been more informed and understanding of his ex-partner through menopause.
I remember the senior leader in a global company who told me and a roomful of his colleagues, “We (men) didn’t know about menopause until today. But we do now. Can you give us a chance?”
And I remember another man, who said, after I was hosted by Nelson City Council: “As a guy, we don’t often get exposed to information related specifically to women’s health. If we are to effectively support our partner, workmates, family or friends going through menopause, we first need to understand it.”
Yes, there are too many wāhine who don’t have the information or support they need through perimenopause/ menopause, and that needs to change. But how can we expect men to understand if they haven’t been given a chance to learn?
Menopause is a normal and inevitable stage of life that every woman, some non-binary people and trans men will go through. Perimenopause is the 2-10 years leading up to menopause when hormonal changes can cause 30 to 40+ symptoms and impact a woman’s physical and mental health.
At menopause the ovaries stop releasing eggs and menstrual periods stop. The average age of menopause in Aotearoa is 52 years. Everyone understanding these basic facts would be a great start. Everyone having access to the right support – at home, work and from health professionals – should be a human right.
There are some simple ways any ally (regardless of age or gender) can support someone impacted by perimenopause/menopause:
1. Talk about it to normalise it. Get comfortable saying (and hearing) the word menopause out loud. It should be as easy as saying the words puberty, pregnancy or prostate. 2.Learn about menopause and how it can impact people in different ways. It’s no harder than learning about the life cycle of a monarch butterfly. 3. Ask if/how you can help. Don’t assume what someone needs. Everyone’s experience is different and what a workmate, partner, friend needs in one moment might be different in another.
4. Listen without judgment and hold off giving any advice unless you’re asked for it specifically.
5. Be reassuring and positive. Let your workmate, partner, friend know that you’re on their team and if they need support, you’ll do whatever you can to help.
When everyone lets go of the fear, embarrassment and shame around menopause, when everyone steps up with curiosity and care instead of derogatory comments, bad jokes and eye rolls, everyone will understand and respect menopause as the normal and powerful stage of life it is. Together, as allies. And not only on International Women’s Day.