Doing the hard yards for the good of the great game
My suggestions for reviving the popularity of rugby went down so well last week that I received a summons to Rugby Union Headquarters. Naturally I expected to find it in the 1960s, so was pleasantly surprised to discover it had relocated to the 21st century. Close inspection revealed, however, that it may have been dragged there against its will.
An ancient retainer led me down corridors lined with trophies and memorabilia – the thigh bone of a
1921 Invincible, a plaster-cast of Buck Shelford’s scrotum, a springbok head, still with shreds of jersey attached.
The architect’s brief had been to design a building that reflected the laws of the game. Rooms led off corridors that circled back on themselves to form a bewildering maze. I was about to pronounce myself lost when the retainer opened the door on a room in total darkness.
“This is where we shed light on scrum penalties.”
“I see,” I said.
From somewhere down the hall came a low intoning. Was this perhaps where referees were taught to shout instructions throughout the game?
“No no,” said the retainer, “that’s the Catechism room. It’s where we hand on the sacred language of rugby.”
“You mean!” I exclaimed.
“Yes, yes,” he said. “We filched the idea from a column of yours some 15 years ago, after you filched it from Flann O’Brien who filched it from the Catholics. Would you care to listen in?”
“Is a rugby ball elliptical!”
He opened the door a crack so I could peer into the auditorium. A grizzled commentator stood before an audience of the bright-eyed young.
“Catechism One: Clichés and Metaphors. Are we ready?” His audience sat up with eager faces.
On what imprecisely defined agricultural unit of area is the game played?
“A paddock,“came the singsong reply. What nervous misfortune is it important to win?
Thebreakdown.
What anatomical features are a crime in the ruck?
Hands.
To what traditionally judicial item of furniture can a coach resort? Thebench.
What can the coach do to the bench? Turn to it or empty it.
By a what is his team winning or losing ifheemptiesit?
Lot.
For what sartorial element does a referee reach when on the point of sanctioning a player?
His pocket.
In what apparently domestic direction does a referee go when seeking a second opinion?
Upstairs.
Does a player have skills?
No, he has a skillset.
What's the difference between skills and skillset?
Next question.
What diminutive pharmacological contraceptive do both teams want? The pill.
What sponge-based dessert is the best pill?
Turnover.
What are taken from defeat? Learnings.
What piece are the scrum and line-out? Set.
Under the what ball is the good catcher what?
Can you repeat that?
Under the what ball is the good catcher what?
He is secure under the high ball. Hard what imperial units of distance? Yards.
Easy what non-imperial units of distance?
Metres.
What renowned product of Bordeaux is still, after all these years, exuded by wounded players?
Claret.
What have you had of this? “Enough,” I murmured. “The game is in good hands.” And the retainer closed the door.