Time to talk about how we raise boys
Over Easter I provided formative feedback on a series of final-year essays. Across the board there was a strong focus on gender, feminism and toxic masculinity. As I read the fourth or fifth essay on this subject I began to wonder why no-one was talking about men, or more specifically, boys. There is still much to fight for in the development of an equal and accepting society, but for that to happen, we need to talk about how we raise boys.
I grew up in a family with strong female role models. My mother is a successful architect, both my grandmothers had university degrees and professional careers and, although I never met her, one of my great-grandmothers was a doctor. I also have three fabulous sisters and given my twin sister was clearly the brains of the outfit, any idea that men were in any way superior to women, frankly seemed absurd.
But New Zealand in the 1990s was a difficult place for a delicate, artistically inclined boy. There were, and still are, rigid ideas around accepted forms of masculinity and male behaviour, none of which I have ever had much skill in exhibiting.
Luckily for me, my parents had no truck with enforcing these expectations and when I asked for a Barbie for Christmas, one was readily produced. The only problem was that my Barbie had a pink tulle dress with printed flowers, rather than the gold damask with sapphire taffeta which had been at the top of my list. Such an obvious lapse in taste was incomprehensible to my 7-year-old self.
Growing up with a twin of the opposite gender was interesting, society divided the spoils between us and it did neither of us much good. In the earlier years she got the good stuff - flowers, colour and the ability to display the full range of human emotions without causing a double take. Yet as we grew the balance changed.
I remember open conversations at the dinner table around the difference in what was expected of us at our separate single sex high schools. It was pretty obvious that I was being pushed harder and my school had greater expectations of me than hers did. Success was clearly defined and I was expected to move into a career and make money.
This expectation is drilled into boys from an incredibly young age and leaves little room for them to develop other, more important skills. We teach girls to be emotive, to talk, to conceptualise a world outside themselves and to communicate through touch. There is an expectation that they develop an interest in art, culture and design, and it is assumed that these things come naturally to them.
We teach boys to do and to be, to shape and conquer, and ideally not to spend too much time understanding their surroundings or their limitations. We don’t give them many other options. And in a world full of teachers and suburban propriety, it’s not just men policing the boundaries of maleness.
One of the great things about being a gay man is that many of these emotive restrictions are removed; however, even then there is often a lingering narrow mindedness which limits gay men’s ability to form multifaceted, lasting relationships
At New Zealand Fashion Week 2023, Jockey underwear presented a collection shown on a diverse and size-inclusive range of models. That is to say a diverse and size inclusive range of female models… and the All Blacks. As if the muscled bodies of the All Blacks somehow represent size-inclusivity for men.
The development of more diverse and accepting beauty standards for women has been accompanied by a whole generation of young men being sent to the gym. The idea that some people might be physically attracted to something other than the toned and muscled physique of a male professional athlete is kept quiet.
To move towards to a more equal society we need to acknowledge that there are different pathways for young boys to aspire to, as there should be for people of all other genders.
While an equal society requires women and gender diverse people to take up proportional space at the board room table, it also requires men to be given the emotive and aesthetic licence to be full and interesting people. Much like girls, boys too need a broad array of successful and interesting role models, that exhibit different examples of masculinity in different shapes and sizes. For that to happen, those in positions of cultural power need be a little more welcoming to people wanting to explore beyond their boundaries.