Good lord – Pope eschews idiot box

You wanted to see me, your holiness? Come in cardinal, take a pew. Have you heard what they’re saying about me? Is it about the not watching television?

It is. I don’t know sometimes. You give the homeless free showers, you speak out against poverty and corruption, you suggest that perhaps homosexuals won’t burn in an eternal lake of fire after all – and you know how that last one gets some of the guys’ backs up round here. Indeed. You do all this, but then you let slip you haven’t watched television in 25 years and it’s all over the papers. Not to mention the internet. The what? Never mind, your holiness. I’m getting a bad rap. People are saying I’m more out of touch than a frostbitten leper. You need to get me up to speed. Tell me what my flock is watching. Well, let me check my tablet. Like Moses? No, it . . . never mind. Ah, here’s a popular show. It’s about people using their various talents.

Let me guess. The person who has the most talents uses them wisely and is feted and celebrated by their master, while the one with the least talent wastes even that and is cast out with much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Well, no. Often the one with the most talent gets voted off because they don’t have a compelling backstory involving a terminally ill relative inspiring a desperate desire to win, while the one with fewer talents is feted and celebrated and goes on to be a headline act in ‘‘Christmas in the park’’.

Oh. What else have you got? Something with drama.

How about this one: A traveller on the road is attacked by robbers who beat him and leave him for dead. Two other travellers see what has happened but each passes by on the other side. Then a third man . . . It’s a morality tale! He sees the injured man and takes pity upon him, bandaging his wounds, pouring on oil and wine and paying for his lodgings at a local inn!

No, he records the assault on his iPhone and sells it to a production company, who add some nervy music and a ballsy voiceover and has it screened in primetime as Road Rage Uncut and Extreme – Highway To Jericho Edition!

This is a little sad. Surely there must be something uplifting on our screens.

Well, check this out: it’s about a man, a charismatic man with many devoted followers. He crusades for the poor and the downtrodden, the sick and the lame. He speaks truth to power and curses the moneychangers. Marvellous. Wonderful. Funny you should say that. But it doesn’t last. He attracts the ire of the authorities, and on a Black Friday he is sacrificed.

Wait, I know this one. It has a good ending, right? He rises again in all his glory. Yeah, nah. He gets replaced. Replaced? What with? Something like . . . have you heard of Seven Sharp?

Seven Sharp? Cardinal, my crucifix, quickly! And may the Lord have mercy on us all.