Such a treat, there’s a hair in my bagel

said table. Damn. Having placed my order of a pot of tea followed by a naked skinny cappuccino and a bagel I approached an occupied table asking if I might perch on the peripherals as they begrudgingly nodded, allowing the chopped liver person to take up a pew.

To demonstrate I was no eavesdropper I unwrapped my newspaper from its plastic covering and fossicked round in the hand bag for one of the many pairs of cheapo glasses, only to find that they too had been left at home. Committed to the task, I lifted up the paper so close to my face I must have appeared mentally unhinged. All I could make out were headlines and every fourth word but as luck would have it my fellow table occupiers beat a retreat and I spread out the sections marvelling that the table and chair were pitched at just the right ratio.

A tea pot eventually turned up and was thumped down on the paper leaving a wet ring on the Five Minute Quiz as I removed it to the side and blotted the wet area with my serviette. When I poured the tea, the pot leaked, the beverage moating the saucer as I sighed and noticed that the table had a wobble to it. I plunged my head under the table and shoved the wet napkin under the offending leg, bumped my head on the way up and noticed a man standing over the table asking if: ‘‘I’d finished with it yet?’’

This hijacking of my paper is a regular occurrence in cafes and I said politely that this was my paper, not that of the cafe´, but after I had perused it I would happily pass it on to him.

A considerable chunk of time had passed so I approached the bench to remind them about the cappuccino and the bagel as they reassured me it was on its way. After 15 minutes, the cappuccino arrived with sprinkles (I knew it) as did the bagel that hadn’t been toasted but I didn’t have the spirit to argue the toss. Scraping off the chocolate to the side, the froth of the cappuccino disappeared and at first sip the coffee was as cold as the temperature outside and to top it off, bitter and burnt. I plunged my fangs into the bagel, wolfing it down and found the extra treat of a long dark hair in my mouth.

I gagged, got up, and approached the car knowing that the way things were going there would be a ticket. I wasn’t wrong. I turned on the radio to hear that my first love, Omar Sharif had tossed in his cards at the age of 83. There was a theme to the morning. Unfortunately it wasn’t Lara’s. Q. Ever since the southern motorway has opened I, and many other road users, have been frustrated by the drivers who sit in the right-hand lane ambling along below the speed limit, thereby forcing other motorists to pass them on the left. I heard Mike Hosking on Seven Sharp vent about this after a motorist in Britain received a fine for doing just this. To overtake on the left is dangerous at the higher speeds used on motorways. Why don’t the transport agencies install "Use left lane unless passing" signs? A. Keep Left Unless Passing’’ is a regulatory sign that is placed at the start of passing lanes where there is a limited opportunity to overtake before the road returns to a standard two-lane, two-way highway with limited overtaking opportunities. It is not used on motorways, where there are extended opportunities for passing. While the law states drivers should generally keep left, this is not actively promoted on motorways. Motorway interchanges in New Zealand are very closely spaced and the left lane is where the majority of merge and diverge conflicts occur. If everyone drove in this lane, it would make it difficult to find a gap when entering or leaving the motorway. – Tony Spowart, Transport Agency, principal safety engineer