PM: There’s mutton to see here, ha!
Satire: So yeah, nah, welcome to my weekly PM’s press conference. I’m going to read out a statement about Minister Murray McCully and then I’ll take some questions.
OK, so as you know this week a bunch of documents were released about that Middle East trade dispute with Saudi Arabia that Minister McCully heroically sorted out for us. You can read through them if you want but I’ve gotta say at the end of the day we should just move on because there’s mutton to see here.
‘‘Mutton to see here’’ – get it? Yeah. It’s funny ‘cos it’s true, because what Labour with all their baseless allegations are trying to do is, wait for it, pull the wool over ordinary New Zealanders’ eyes. Pull. The. Wool.
OK, tough crowd. The point is that Minister McCully is a valued member of my Cabinet and even when he deserves a place in the limelight he doesn’t hogget. ‘‘Hogget’’. Hog it. Boom! Where was I? Look, this deal with the Saudis is just another example of Minister McCully’s willingness to roll up his sleeves, stick his arm into the dark narrow passage of expediency and pull out all the stops to bring home the bacon.
‘‘Bring home the bacon"! Anyone? OK, bit of a mixed metaphor there and not technically a sheep reference but I’ve got a day job running the country so you can cut me some slack.
The point is that Minister McCully is a valuable trouble shooter for New Zealand with a proven ability to placate our trade partners by throwing in a few primary produce sweeteners. Sometimes it’s an agri-hub in the desert and a planeload of sheep, other times it could be donating a meat pack for their weekly raffle.
That’s why, when the TPP talks resume, I’ll be sending Minister McCully in as our special envoy. From the looks of it the Canadian delegation’s our main obstacle. So he’ll be authorised to wine and dine them, promise them a lifetime supply of Bluff oysters and if needs be slip them a free saveloy butcher-style.
Frankly by this time next year we’ll all be living off the sheep’s back.
OK let’s take some questions. At the back there. Is this bribery? No. Next?
Yes I’m aware the Auditor-General says she has doubts about whether the Saudi deal was legal but hey, what does the Auditor-General know about what’s legal or not? She just adds up numbers and stuff. If you want a legal opinion you should pay a judge.
I don’t mean pay a judge in that sense, obviously, because that’s not how my Government conducts business. Figure of speech. Another question? Yes?
Well I don’t think that’s relevant. OK, it is long, thick and lustrous but I’m not going to stroke it. Next?
No-one? Alright, that concludes the press conference. As you go out you’ll see there’s a crate of that fancy chocolate milk for everyone who gives this a good write-up. Don’t call it bribery, it’s just smoothing the wheels. Mmm, smooth. And chocolately…
This deal with the Saudis is just another example of Minister McCully’s willingness to roll up his sleeves and stick his arm into the dark narrow passage of expediency.