I’m diagnosed with rabies
I’ve got a terrible case of rabies. I know because the internet told me. I had a pretty grim time of it last week. On Monday I woke up at 5am feeling a little nauseated then all of a sudden my mouth filled with saliva. Gross, but bear with me. That’s just a rabies fact.
I wasn’t physically sick so I carried on with my day. I had to go to the doctor that afternoon to refill a prescription but the ill feeling had subsided and who goes to the doctor because of a one-off mouth flood?
On Tuesday morning the same thing happened This time I rushed to the bathroom but wasn’t actually sick, just a runny mouth. I felt off-colour all day but assumed it would pass.
On Wednesday, my mouth was like the Flockton Basin. The tide was going in and out. I started to feel worried so I did the only logical thing and diagnosed myself using the internet.
I typed: ‘‘conditions that cause saliva overproduction’’ and Google’s first answer was rabies.
So there it was. Proof. I lay in bed feeling sick with all the rabies I had somehow contracted.
Sure there were other suggested illnesses such as gastroesophageal reflux disease, pregnancy, excessive starch intake, pancreatitis, liver disease, serotonin syndrome and mouth ulcers. But I knew within myself that I had rabies.
So for the second time that week, I went to the doctor. I’ve been going to him for years and I trust him.
He ushered me into his room and said, ‘‘Now, what brings you here again?’’
I informed him my symptoms and explained there was no need to use his years of medical training because I had the answer. It was a clear case of rabies.
He pressed on my sore tummy for a bit and I said, ‘‘It’s the rabies isn’t it?’’
Now, the walls of my doctor’s office seem quite thick but I am sure you could have heard him from the waiting room: ‘‘You. Do. Not. Have. Rabies.’’
He sounded so sure of himself, that doctor, with all his years of training and experience.
‘‘Not only are there no cases of rabies in New Zealand,’’ he said. ‘‘I’m not even going to test you for it.’’
I was so disappointed. Usually when I let the internet diagnose me it gives me AIDS or cancer so it was quite exciting to have something as rare as rabies. I’ve been needing a bit of motivation lately and having seen the movie Cujo, I know rabies gives you extra energy and makes you goal focussed.
I went through the checklist of symptoms of rabies. They include hydrophobia (a fear of water) which was relevant because I couldn’t be bothered showering that day.
I didn’t have a fever or headache but I did have a bit of the old nausea, agitation and confusion (although that is a lifelong condition and worsening with age). I certainly had excessive salivation and partial paralysis, although that happens every morning when my alarm goes off.
Unfortunately, my doctor insists I have some gastro reflux thing.
If it was Dr Google that claimed I had all the rabies, then surely it could assist in proving me right.
There must be some clinic in America that will accept a blood sample and give me a certificate and maybe even a T-shirt. I will wear it to my next doctor’s appointment and give him a chomp.
I was so disappointed. Usually when I let the internet diagnose me it gives me AIDS or cancer so it was quite exciting to have something as rare as rabies.