Are you committing financial infidelity?
How much money do you have in your secret bank account? Did you just blush? You’re not alone if you did. My husband has his secret account at Westpac.
Except it’s not so secret when you stand at your wife’s office door with your hands on your hips and demand that it gets topped up.
He started the secret account in a very public manner. After the eftpos card declined his coffee order one too many times he took matters into his own hands.
That involved telling me and most of our friends that he needed a secret account at another bank to avoid my embarrassing balls-ups.
Apparently I’m good at earning money and telling other people about money, but my timing is a bit off on the personal front.
When instructed, I have to put $1000 into the secret account and ask no questions. The statements come through and just seem to involve a lot of coffee.
In a relationship, it’s a fine line between financial independence and financial infidelity.
A little stash of cash feels like a harmless flirtation.
But omissions, silence and white lies mean you’ve just opened an account at the Bank of Ashley Madison. One American financial education survey shows a third of couples with joint bank accounts lie about savings.
For some, saving or investing money couldn’t possibly be seen as an infidelity. Surely only hidden debt or spending is an indiscretion? Not so in my book.
When you deprive someone of information, you deprive them of lifestyle choices, joint decisionmaking and a say in their future.
In many relationships one party is more financially savvy and becomes the money-leader.
That role should be seen as something that was given based on trust. It’s never a licence to omit and hide in order to achieve goals no-one else is privy to. Where’s the money, honey?
One of the worst cases I saw in my career was in a British financial firm. A colleague was sent to sort out a fairly standardlooking case in Devon for a widow with financial paperwork she didn’t understand. The house was terraced, scruffy and in bad need of a renovation.
The bank account trail led to millions of pounds of investments, earned and inherited genuinely.
It’s not a happy shock when an elderly woman and her family have been robbed of choices for decades and can’t buy back time.
Size is certainly not a precursor for the financial infidelity label. Here are some of the less dramatic ways it can take hold:
1. Secret bank accounts that you don’t reveal, whether they are growing in size or not.
2. Making cash withdrawals and secretly saving.
3. Making any investment without discussion, or hiding high-risk choices. 4. Starting a day-trading or sharebroking account without fully explaining it to your partner. 5. Not including your other half in risk-based assessments for investment purposes.
6. Income secrets. Not telling your spouse what you earn.
7. Failing to reveal a pay rise.
8. Forgetting to mention the size of your bonus.
9. Not sitting down and discussing your KiwiSaver accounts together. 10. Forgetting to tell your other half that you started a KiwiSaver account or private pension fund. Not revealing your contribution level. 11. Hiding business profits under the assumption that they’ll be reinvested in expansion, so are not worthy of discussion.
12. Hiding a business sale, partial sale or a valuation.
13. Not revealing you were given shares in your employer’s company or have rights to their share option scheme.
14. Transferring money to family without discussion.
15. Putting money or assets in trust without discussion.
16. Hiding real estate purchased prior to the relationship.
17. Putting money in offshore accounts so it’s difficult to find or monitor.
18. Thinking undisclosed savings and investments are for the other person’s own good, because they are irresponsible with money in your eyes.
19. Hiding money because a relationship is on the rocks.
20. Thinking your hidden stash will be a nice surprise.
Omissions, silence and white lies mean you’ve just opened an account at the Bank of Ashley Madison.
Remember financial infidelity is not the playground of the young and beautiful. Boomers are four times more likely than millennials to have a secret account.
Janine Starks is a financial commentator with expertise in banking, personal finance and funds management. Opinions in this column represent her personal views. They are general in nature and are not a recommendation, opinion or guidance to any individuals in relation to acquiring or disposing of a financial product. Readers should not rely on these opinions and should always seek specific independent financial advice appropriate to their own individual circumstances.