Theresa May dignosed with sauce-for-the-goose syndrome

The British Prime Minister, Theresa May, has been rushed to Royal London Hospital after a display of verbal gymnastics, in which she attempted to simultaneously explain why Britain should leave the EU while Scotland should not leave Britain, went spectacularly wrong.

Moments before, Ms May had told a packed House of Commons that with the triggering of Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty, the sun was shining on a new dawn of freedom and self-determination for all Britons, except obviously the Mars-Bars-frying see-youJimmies north of the border, for whom a different set of rules applied.

Ms May hit her stride channelling the punchy rhetorical style of former Downing Street heavyweight Dame Margaret Thatcher.

‘‘We are going to make our own decisions! And our own laws! We are going to take control of the things that matter most to us!’’ Ms May proclaimed, before being brought up short by an aide who pointed out to her that she was reading from the manifesto of the Scottish Nationalist Party.

Seemingly undeterred, Ms May ploughed on, telling the thronged MPs that ‘‘Leaving the European Union will mean that our laws will be made in Westminster, Edinburgh, Cardiff and Belfast.’’

‘‘Although, again obviously, a lot of laws made in Westminster will actually apply to our delightful Caledonian cousins in Edinburgh. And not the other way round.’’

‘‘But all that is fundamentally different from laws in Luxembourg applying to people living in Britain. Because that one is bad. That one is about determining our future and not being dictated to by a distant, ah, whereas in the case of Scotland, ah… wait, I had this all worked out before.’’

Pausing to re-shuffle her papers on the dispatch box, Ms May added ‘‘We are a great union of people and nations with a proud history and a bright future.’’

‘‘No hang on, that’s the EU. It was a great union of people and nations with a proud history and bright future, but it all went pearshaped.’’

‘‘Hold on, I’ve got this now. The great union of people and nations with a proud history and a bright future is Britain. That’s it. Golly, that’s quite confusing isn’t it?’’, Ms May added before asking the Speaker for a cup of tea and a liedown.

Clinicians at Royal London Hospital diagnosed Ms May as suffering from a chronic internal contradiction.

‘‘The clinical term is suppressed sauce-for-the-goose syndrome’’ explained a spokesperson.

‘‘Ms May’s higher brain functions are struggling to deal with the fact that her reasons for pulling out of Europe are diametrically opposed to her reasons for keeping Scotland in the UK.’’

‘‘It certainly lights up the MRI, I can tell you.’’

Staff at Royal London have stabilised Ms May, slowing her brain down to a semi-comatose state by showing her re-runs of Emmerdale.

In related news, Scottish first minister Nicola Sturgeon has reportedly sought medical advice after suffering from recurring nightmares that should a second independence referendum deliver a ‘‘yes’’ vote and Scotland secede she will be forced to actually run the place.