We were never family – the Aussies have shafted us

Time to face a stark reality: if you think we’re somehow special to the Aussies – you’re dreaming.

It’s quaint to think we might still be united by the Anzac spirit but, sorry, we’re not. Wake up New Zealand. Time to suck it up.

Yes, we have much in common but I’ve always regarded us as having more soul, heart, compassion and less arrogance than the Aussies. They’re loud and brash.

I was reporting at our Parliament a few years back when then Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard strode onto the floor and described us as ‘‘family’’.

Everyone walked away impressed. It was a master stroke of marketing and political spin. It deserved to be called out at the time as utter codswallop.

Since 2002, Kiwis living in Australia have largely been treated like any other bugger crossing the border. We’re really now no different to a Lebanese or Chinese family entering Australia. We’re Kiwis – it means nothing to them.

In many ways, it’s our fault. More than 500,000 Kiwis live in Australia and, at times, we’ve stuck out like a sore thumb.

The Aussies resent paying benefits to the cliched tattooed Kiwis lying on Queensland and Bondi beaches. I know it’s a generalisation but it’s their generalisation.

John Howard pulled a swifty 15 years ago when he targeted Kiwis in Australia. Helen Clark called an urgent meeting and she called it a ‘‘win-win’’. How she came to that conclusion I still have no idea. I’m still looking for our ‘‘win’’.

Since then, it’s been a tough relationship to keep up. The dog left the porch years ago. We haven’t divorced but we’ve certainly separated and the family counselling isn’t working.

John Key had some minor and hard-fought victories. But new Foreign Minister Gerry Brownlee and Prime Minister Bill English have just been completely blindsided by Australia’s education changes affecting Kiwis.

They got 24-hours notice. So much for the ‘‘family’’.

And that’s my beef. Our Cabinet ministers are not in the loop and look impotent and ineffectual. The Aussies don’t consider us important enough to bring us into the mix earlier.

What are our hordes of officials doing in Canberra? What goes on at these bloody cocktail meetings?

Grip and grin, drinks and pleasantries. Cut the antics, stop smiling to our faces and have the decency to tell us you’re shafting Kiwis in Australia. We get it. Just stab us in the front, not the back.

So what concessions did Brownlee get from the Aussies on his urgent SOS trip to see his counterpart this week? Not many. Both foreign ministers basically agreed that next time we get shafted they’ll give us slightly more warning.

There was no backdown. And there won’t be in the future. Just an earlier warning when bullets are coming.

Australia is a sovereign country and they have every right to do what they’re doing. Should we retaliate? No. We don’t need to no matter how tempting it is.

Also remember Australia gets more immigrants than us. They’re also facing a massive domestic backlash against migrants.

And they’re billions of dollars in the drink too. The Aussies need to find budget savings and must put their own people first. Here’s a solution, because I actually have little sympathy for New Zealanders across the ditch.

Go to Aussie these days and you know what you’re in for. They’re basically a hard-arsed pack of pricks who are putting themselves first. You shouldn’t be surprised.

Maybe Rob Muldoon was right when he quipped that Kiwis who move to Australia raise the IQ of both countries.

If you want to vote, get access to welfare and subsidised healthcare and cheaper education, I have the answer – come home to your own country.

What are our hordes of officials doing in Canberra? What goes on at these bloody cocktail meetings?