The many uses of newspapers through the ages
This week the Commerce Commission nixed plans for a merger of media empires NZME and Fairfax. The decision was roundly criticised followed by warnings of the early death of news.
We have heard a lot about newspapers reaching their endgame over the years.
If it’s true and nobody can think of a way to save them, our grandchildren’s grandchildren may one day clutch a wrinkly hand as they walk through a museum exhibit of yellowing relics to hear the following:
‘‘Once upon a time, people everywhere read newspapers.
‘‘They sat at their breakfast table, on public transport and in cafes with large broadsheet papers reading their daily dose of news.
‘‘Yes, in the days of yore, news was prescribed only as a daily dose. One, to be taken in the morning. A second, to be taken in the afternoon if you lived in a particularly large city or were just greedy.
‘‘Sometimes your grandfather would read his provincial newspaper, sitting in his lounge chair, soaking up stories in order to take part in the civic discourse of his community whilst simultaneously using it as a somewhat unsuccessful shield behind which he would blow off, hoping nobody heard.
‘‘Still, it was always known as ‘the newspaper’ or the ‘local rag’. ‘Fart shield’ never caught on.
‘‘Newspaper was also used for so long as a fish and chips wrapper that it became a saying.
‘‘If there was something a friend hated reading, you could soothe them by saying, ‘Don’t worry, today’s news is tomorrow’s fish and chip wrapper’.
‘‘However, this saying slowly faded away when owners of fried takeaway shops switched to using plain paper in a shade known as ‘eggshell’. This coincided with the internet becoming home to news where it would stay for time immemorial – or at least until an angry party engaged in an expensive legal case.
‘‘Shopkeepers would also use it to insulate frozen goods during those rare and exciting times you were carrying eight lemonade popsicles home from the local dairy for all the cousins.
‘‘Not only would it keep frozen items from thawing, it could also keep people warm by protecting the homeless from cold winds. In later years, people tended to use cars instead.
‘‘If you were lucky enough to have a home, the newspaper could also be used as a firestarter. You simply had to twist a few pages together and set them up in a sort of triangle structure whilst fending off advice by men who thought they knew better, but often did not.
‘‘Children once used newspaper to store their coins. Sound crazy? Well, listen up.
‘‘After blending a sloppy mix of flour and water to create paste, then dragging shredded newspaper through it, children were encouraged to slap this soggy mess around the outside of a balloon in layers. They would then leave it to dry solid before painting it a hellmess of colours, cutting a slot in the top and calling it a moneybox.
‘‘Technically the paste could be eaten but only by gross kids at kindy who often had a permanent bogey lodged in their right nostril.
‘‘Shredded newspaper could also be used as kitty litter but few people realised. The main advantage to this was that you could find a story or reporter that you particularly disliked and gain personal satisfaction when the cat plopped on their work.
‘‘The newspaper was also a boon to gardeners and homemakers.
‘‘Thick layers of newspaper on a garden bed doubled as a weed mat. Used in this way, piles of dusty newspapers quickly became an asset rather than
Yes, in the days of yore, news was prescribed only as a daily dose. One, to be taken in the morning. A second, to be taken in the afternoon if you lived in a particularly large city or were just greedy.
something hoarders kept behind their hallway doors.
‘‘The wetted newspaper was therefore used as a garden mulch preventing weeds from popping through, slowly providing the soil with nutrients (probably) as it broke down over years.
‘‘Newspaper also made a fine cupboard or drawer lining. This was also a good way of telling how long it had been since the homemaker had given their cupboards a good cleaning because the newspaper was dated.
‘‘It would similarly provide you with news from the past, such as how a pound of sugar had cost nowt but thruppence. As had the newspaper.’’